Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Support Systems

I know it's been a while! I've been so busy trying to get done with finals and I finished this last Monday! Hallelujah!!

And here I am blogging again at work. :)
However I just met one of my new clients and it was one of the hardest meetings I've ever had with a client.

I had to hold back the tears. I wanted to so desperately give her a hug and tell her everything would be okay but that can't be my role. I have to save that role for her mother or sister. I am her advocate, not her friend.

CD was living in her own apartment making about $4,000 a month working at the same job for the past 11 years. Which by NYC standards is not a lot but you can definitely make it work. She lost her job this last April and hasn't been able to get back on her feet. She was staying with her mother up until recently but her mother's apartment is very small and just couldn't fit CD and her 5 kids. People were sleeping on the floor and it was not a good long term solution. Without having other family members with the means to support her, her only option was to enter the homeless system.

What really struck me was that this could be someone I know. We sat here and spoke just as though we were two people that meet walking down the street. I don't typically have those types of conversations with my clients. With most of my clients there is too much of a cultural gap for us to have that type of connection.

What also touched me was that she reminded me of someone I would meet at home in Indiana. She had such a nice demeanor and didn't have that rough, aggressive approach. She was just like a nice, approachable Hoosier. She actually reminded me of someone I worked with in Bloomington.

It was so hard to sit here and see a mother trying to hide her tears from her son as she tells me she about how she's gone from having everything to nothing in just a few months. And now she's at the hands of a very unpleasant woman at the Dept of Homeless Services (DHS) to determine whether or not she will be allowed to stay in the shelter system. Every family that goes to DHS and states they are homeless is investigated, and a case worker in the department gets the ultimate say...and it sounds at though CD happened to get a case manager that just doesn't care.

I've really been struggling a lot lately with my financial situation. I feel overwhelmed every time I think about the cost of living out here, my income and the student loans I'm racking up. I can't even begin to describe how much I worry about this.

But I feel like God needed me to meet CD today. I needed to be reminded I am ok. I have an apartment. I have the financial means to survive. And most importantly if everything fell apart and I had no money, I know have numerous family members and freinds I could turn to in a heartbeat. I would never be homeless. Not because I would never be financially broken, because anybody could, but I have the support system that would never allow me to be homeless.

As Americans, including myself, we always think that it's finances that cause homelessness, and yes it is a part, but another large part of homelessness is not having a strong support system either. Not having good relationships with family. Having family but having family that's so financially stapped and strained they can't support one more person.

I am blessed. I am so blessed. Not because of my financial status, since that can always be taken from me, but from what I will never lose - my friends and family. I realized today I have much more security than I thought.

God gave me a new perspective today.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Randomness

Yes I am sitting at work blogging. I can't help it. I have no motivation for work and my computer is sitting right here in front of me, calling me to do something I shouldn't be doing. I just need to get it out of my system and then I'll be able to work...hopefully :)

It's funny I don't even have anything super important to share....I just feel like sharing, so here are some random tidbits...

I have made a decision recently that I am very excited about...I'm getting a bunny!!!
I can't get a dog right now because they aren't allowed in my apartment and they are a lot of work in the beginning with training etc, so I've decided I want a bunny. I desperately want something cuddly to take care and a rabbit is perfect. I have made it clear to Ali I want a bunny and I"m hoping maybe he'll get it for me for Christmas...otherwise it will still be about 2 months until I can save enough extra money for the cage and everything the bunny needs. Sad it would take that long isn't it!

Also I've been thinking about bangs...I would like opinions...who thinks I'd look good with bangs? I've been straightening my hair, but even with some curl they might be okay..right?!?!

I am also going to start making my own jewelry!!!!! I'm so pumped (Gosh remember when that word used to be cooler :) I got the idea while shopping with my mom after Thanksgiving. So much jewelry is way over priced and not that hard to make. I"m going to go into Manahattan in the next couple weeks and go to a beads store to try to buy everything I need to get started. I'm just hoping things won't be outrageously expensive, otherwise I may wait until I'm home for Christmas and buy it all in Indiana!

Also here is a little quiz that I found on a friends blog and thought was fun :)

Sitting: In my office at my messy desk.
Smelling: My own perfume..there's still a small hint of it :)
Listening: to the traffic outside my office window and the kids talking in the hallway.
Drinking: nothing but really wishing I had some coffee. I gave it up because coffee seems to always make me sick...but I'm thinking of splurging and getting some on my way to my 7pm class! Hey you gotta stay awake some how!
Reading: The Commercialization fo Intimate Life by Arlie Hochschild. Great Sociologist. Great book. Read it.
Loving: That I get to go back to Indiana in less than 3 weeks.
Dreading Writing 2 more looonnngg papers and taking a stats test in the next 2 weeks.
Eagerly: Waiting for it to be 6:34 so that I can clock out of work!
Worrying: About all the loans I'm racking up.
Wishing: I'd get to see some snow soon.
Praying: My stress level will decrease after December 18th when I turn in my last paper for school.
Grateful: I can take off my uncomfortable work pants soon! hahaha
Sharing: my thoughts ;)

Ok all...back to work :)

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Insanity

So I have been trying to get a blog up for about the last week and a half, it's just been so hectic I really haven't had time to sit and write...although a lot has been going on!

This last weekend I of course went home for Thanksgiving. It was a much needed break from school, work, and New York in general. I've decided though that going home is hard though. I train myself out here in New York. I prepare myself to be tough and aggressive, to deal with the traffic, everything that's overpriced, the fast pace, the rough and rude people...everything...I prepare myself for it all...and then I go home. When I go home all this preparation disappears. Everything is easy and CALM again. I don't feel stress and anxiety. I feel comfortable and like everything will be okay. I don't feel like I have to anticipate anything. I don't have to prepare, due to the anticipation of a rude person, or a traffic jam, or a cost I can't afford. There's no extra preparations in Indiana...I just live.

Then I come back to New York and I experience shock all over again and have to adjust again. Once I'm in New York for a little while I can get myself used to everything (or at least numb myself to it) and feel like I get myself trained enough to deal...and then I go home and lose it all, then when I come back i'm a basket case for the next week. That's the stage I'm in right now.

Let me explain the difference with examples though my friends...

While I was home for Thanksgiving I spent all my time with family. On Wednesday I met my best friend and we had dinner and a movie...there was no need to rush. We were able to get to the movie when it started, no problems, no worries about traffic being bad or a long line.
Thanksgiving I spent at my grandparents house with my dad's side of the family. It was a great day, but very sad. I feel a lot of guilt being so far from my grandparents right now. My grandpa is not in good health and it scares me. I am scared to my core that something will happen before I can move back home. I have learned my lesson in appreciating your family while you have them near you. I regret more than anything that I did not visit my grandparents more often when I had the chance. This reason alone made it hard to come back to New York. I knwow that I have to finish school, but it was hard being home and picturing how great it would be to see my grandparents frequently and spend family nights together. It makes me breakdown just thinking about it. I can't help but feel I'm missing out on time with my family.

On Friday mom and I went shopping. Now neither me or mom does crowds, however this would be our only time to go Christmas shopping together...so it was then or never. Surprisingly it was fine though. It was better than a normal day of shopping in New York!!! Now that says something!!! Everyone was soooo friendly too. I was in shock all day that all of the cashiers ands sales people were friendly and courteous. Our waitress was even friendly. So much to the point that it was annoying mom but I was soaking every ounce of it up my friends!!! Even the woman at Panera was great! At Panera they took a little extra time to make my tea and the woman making it apologized and brought me my tea personally!!!!!!! This DOES NOT happen in New York. Let me just tell you what would happen in New York. The woman in New York would take even longer to make it, she'd set it on the counter and be annoyed that I wasn't standing there to take it off her counter. Then if I didn't come get it fast enough she'd YELL a chai latte is ready :) This people, is the difference.

Saturday I spent another day with family, my mom's side. We went out to dinner and then went back to our house and played Catch Phrase. This is the funnest game!!
I have decided that I love games and I am going to force friends and family to play games any chance I can. I even had mom buy me dominos and Fact or Crap for me for Christmas. I also bought myself Phase 10 recently...another great one my friends.

Anyways after my wonderful time at home, full of calmness and relaxation, I had to head back to New York. When I left for home last Wednesday it only took me a little over 11 hours to get home...so I figured about 11 hours to get back to New York. This was my big mistake. I had already let me guard down and forgotten, you DON'T make that kind of assumption with a city like New York.

Anyways, I left Indiana at 7am and thought I'd be back to New York by no later than 6:30pm, which isn't a bad time. So I start my drive and got through Indiana and Ohio with no problems. Then I hit Pennsylvania. This is were the traffic begins! First I hit horrible traffic because the weather wasn't great and so cars were driving extra slow...so I drove at about 10mph for about 45mins to an hour. I got stuck twice in Pennsylvania with this bad traffic. This added on extra time right away. I then got to New Jersey and shockingly got thru NJ with no problems..this is a huge shocker since NJ can be just as bad as New York. Then I get to New York. Now at this point I've already tacked on about 2 extra hours. It's about 8pm. I'm exhausted from sitting in extra traffic and the stress of driving by myself in general. As I'm getting to New York the traffic becomes my worst nightmare. There are signs everywhere warning of 60-75 minutes delays just to get over bridges!!! This is a major traffic jam people. So for me to get all the way to my apartment would have taken AT LEAST another 2 hours! So I chose Staten Island instead. I decided I'd stay at Ali's just to get out of my car and be done with the drive. Even this option was not that great though. To get across the Outer Bridge took 45 minutes...this bridge is less than a mile long people! No matter what I was going to have to cross a bridge but believe it or not, Staten Island was the closest and shortest option.

Then my Monday started....
Monday I had to be to work by 7:45 because I have to leave early since I have class at 4:40. I got to work at 8:20.
I was also completely exhausted because although I didn't get to work on time my alarm was still going off starting at 6:15. Even my boss told me I looked out of it.

I instantly dealt with someone nasty at work as well. I had to call a social services agency and the woman I got on the phone will just be called Ms McNasty. Due to my already very tired, and not excited to be back in New York City self, I decided to hang up on Ms McNasty. May not have been the best idea but I couldn't do it. I couldn't go from the pleasantness of Indiana to the harshness of New York that quickly...I just couldn't brush it off and make that adjustment right away...my guard went down too much while I was in Indiana. So then I sat at work and cried for a while. I cried due to my insane level of homesickness and overwhelming desire to just pack up and go home, to forget school and everything else... Obviously I later had a more sane moment, knowing I had to finish school and not let a stupid city get the best of me...or let all the Ms McNasty's make me cry.

For my lunch hour at work I ended up going to school to complete my homework that I couldn't do earlier because I dont' have the computer software....so this means that I didn't get lunch.

I then got back to work and had to leave a few hours later to go back to school.
I went to school with no problems and came home but than had a realization.
I lost my passport.
I discovered this because I have some paperwork that I need to fill out for school and to provide identification I can show my passport as an option. So Monday night I'm looking for it and I can't find it anywhere! So it's 9pm at night. I'm hungry, exhausted, and experiencing a rudeness shock all over again and then I realize I've lost a very important piece of identification. I looked everywhere I could think of and decided it was a lost cause.
I just went to bed.

Thank God I woke up today feeling much more rested!! I felt a little more able to cope with this crazy city that I live it. I went to work and was able to get through the day with no craziness. I then get home and realize...hmmmm...I don't know where my camera is either. I become hysterical. I search the apartment for like 30minutes trying to now find my passport and camera. I call my sister, Ali, and my parents leaving them messages telling them there's a crisis...Sarah's lost her camera and passport. Ali is the only one that answers the phone. I cry to him for a while and decide that I need to just go take a hot shower and try to not think about this for a while. Before I get in I decide to take my inhalor...all this anxiety I can't freakin' breath. As I set my inhalor down I look at my purse sitting at my feet and notice a zipper on the back of my purse....and then I almost shit myself. I open the zipper pocket and there's my camera and passport. I had purposely put them there so that no one could see them in my very loose, often open purse.
Please tell me that somebody else has put things in a place you think no one else will find and then you yourself forgets that special place you put them?!??!?

What a day. What a week. I'm still glad I got to go home. I have to get these little tastes of home to ground myself and remember that life here is a rarity and most Americans do not live this way. If only New Yorker's would catch on......

Friday, November 21, 2008

FYI I can't see demons

Hola Familia y Amigos,

So I totally put a post up on Tuesday of this week and somehow it didn't show up! Too bad for you all though cuz I'm not typing it again!

Anywho, thank God it's friday friends cuz it's been a lonnnggg week! I had a 20 page paper due this Thursday and I actually had to take off of work on Thursday to finish it because I was so behind! Lesson learned = don't procrastinate! The problem is I've always been a procrastinator and swear I don't know how to finish something early!! I like to tell myself I just work better under pressure :) (PS that's complete bullshit, I'm really just lazy!).

Anyways, this week has also been sucky at work. My last blog was about all the drama at work and my realization that jobs aren't hard because of the job but because of the people you work with.

I've been dealing with people back stabbing, gossiping, misleading, lying, finger pointing, blaming, etc etc etc and I'm very over it. It's so disappointing because I truly do enjoy working with a lot (not all :), but a lot of my clients and it's frustrating when your job is stressful due to co-workers not clients.

I must say though that today was an interesting day at work. I have a family that I work with that I really love. There's a mom who's about 34 with a teenage daughter and son and a younger daughter. They are a pretty easy family to work with...except for one thing...they believe that there are demons in their window. Now they brought this up to me almost a month ago and at first I was like "oh my God are they going crazy?!?!?" I really didn't know what to say or do but luckily a social worker at the shelter met with them a few times and told me he had taken care of it...at least that's what he said!
I met with them again today and they insisted the demons were still in the window and that I'd be able to see them. I HIGHLY doubted this but they desperately wanted me to see them so when I was leaving work today I agreed to come to their room and take a look.

People, I'm not very superstitious and don't really beleive in ghosts. I honestly try to believe angels/ghosts/etc but I just can't really. However, this family really wanted me to see their demons.
I mean shit we've already talked about what they look like, their moods, and how often they visit!
So I go in the room trying to will myself into seeing something...trying to convince myself this could be real...yeah that didn't happen. I was literally standing in the middle of my clients unit saying "yeah, oh, I see it", "mm hmm that's definiltey a head", "yeah I see that puppy, uhhuh"
I was the biggest liar in that room but I did not have the heart to tell them I saw NOTHING!
Another staff person, inappropriately, called them crazy and they were very hurt by this!
So this weekend I will be spending some time, no joke, looking up rituals that can be done to keep the demons calm and live in harmony with the family.

This is my job people, helping people live in harmony with their demons, literally and symbolicly.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Two in One

(NOTE** I wrote this blog on Tuesday but somehow it didn't get posted...so here it is a day late!)

Now that I was able to get thoughts off my chest I'm able to blog about the lighter, crazier events of my life :)

This weekend my mom came to see me which made me very happy! I always welcome visitors ;)
Mom aka "Boo", came in on Friday and left yesterday morning. We spent the weekend shopping and eating :) Friday we stayed around my apartment and went to a local Italian restaurant, named Fiore.

Saturday I woke up and in my still sleepy state pulled a muscle in my neck and swore I was gonna become paralyzed it hurt so bad!! I swear I could not turn my neck to the left even if my life depended on it! I took 4 Ibuprofen and it did nothing! And in my book you know you're hurt if Ibuprofen doesn't do anything for you! Ibuprofen and Benadryl are like my best friends and if they don't work..you and me both are in trouble!

After getting over my fear of being paralyzed we spent the day shopping for our still sparse apartment and eating again, then met Ali in the city to eat at Pastis, a french bistro.

We took the train into the city for dinner Saturday and I realized how good I have gotten with public transportation after using it with Boo, who of course never needs to use public transportation in Indiana!
While using the subway (which is different than the train), of course we saw the usual police officers harassing the drunk, homeless man peeing in the subway station.
I always think when I see these scenes it seems so inhumane. I can't imagine God really appreciates us yelling at another human being for needing warmth in the winter and staying in the only warm PUBLIC space that he can find. Yes God may not agree with the drinking and the peeing, but I think he'd look past it and agree he is entitled to a warm place.

Dinner at Pastis was very good and pretty much my first french food experience. Of course the menu was half french so I was guessing what a lot of things were, Boo and Ali were no help either! We all knew "Oui" and that was it! hahaha

Sunday we spent the day putting together all the things we bought on Saturday and eating some more. We did Indian and NY style pizza on Sunday.

It was a great weekend. Fun. Relaxing. And felt a little more like home having my mom with me.

Sunday night became a little crazy though because I didn't do any of my homework for Monday during the weekend. So Sunday I was rushing to get my statistics hw done and my cultural studies work done. I got most of my work done and got to bed around midnight to wake up again at about 4:45 to take Boo to the airport.

On a Monday Morning NY you never know when you'll hit traffic so we had to leave by 5:30. Luckily I got Boo to the airport by 6 and instead of going back home I had to go to Starbucks..the only place I could think of that would be open at 6am!...and finish up some remaining homework and then go to the lab at school at 7 to finish some hw using software that I'm too poor to buy and put on my own computer.

Finally at 8 I headed to work and was very unproductive at work. I really had one of those days where I thought...damn I'm a bad worker...I couldn't focus or get anything accomplished...now you may be thinking I wasn't a good worker today either because I blogged at work..but hey...you can only improve so much in day.

I also had to write a paper at work on Monday because brilliant me left it on my computer at home and didn't email it to myself. I didn't have time to go back home to get it before class, so I just sat and retyped it! It only had to be a page and luckily it was something I'm opinionated about so I rewrote it quickly!

I had to leave work at 4 on Monday and go to my classes which would get over at 9. I went to my first class and got out a little early so grabbed some much needed hot chocolate at the library...now you may be wondering why I'm bothering to tell you this...but there's a reason.

Obviously I was tired by the time I got to my second class that starts at 7pm, after being up since 4:30am!
Now I was sitting in my class, taking to classmates, waiting for it to start when another girl I know sat down behind me. As I turn around to talk to her, Sarah forgets that our desktops lift up...I blame the tiredness.... and I turn, causing my desk to lift, while simultaneously knocking my practically full, and very needed, hot chocolate ALL OVER the wall and floor. Thank God that I sat next to the wall today..which I normally don't do...or the person next to me would have been a very unhappy, chocolaty person!
The worst part was the people I was sitting around are in my other classes so we know each other and they all start turning around pointing out my spill to me!!!
Well DUH I know I spilled it!!! Hello! I have to go the whole class now without my hot chocolate, and wasted $3!!!
I hurried and went to the bathroom for a huge roll of paper towels and swear I went through half of it. After trying to clean it up I decided I would just leave it and get it after class...bad idea.
The chocolate got...hard, I guess you could say, and the only way to clean it up then was with water...which I was not about to go get!
So I did the best I could to clean it but definitely left a brown mess for the maintenance men...oops!

My day was over though thank the lord and I could go home! I got home and didn't even eat dinner! I just sat mindlessly on the couch for like 30min watching TV, took a shower and passed out!
Now you know I'm tired if I don't care that I'm going to bed hungry!!!!

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

I'm being bad....

and blogging at work! I can't help it though, Sometimes you've got stuff on your mind and just gotta blog ;) hahaha

So I have to admit I started writing yesterday and I never posted it because it just didn't feel write. It was a very negative, angry blog. Although I can be loud and talkative, I still don't always know how I want to express what I'm feeling. I'm a "thinker" and dwell often on my thoughts and feelings. Poetry as become one outlet for me to express myself, through writing and reading it.
This is a poem I saw today and wanted to share:

LISTEN

When I ask you to listen to me,
And you start giving advice,
You have not done what I asked.

When I ask you to listen to me,
And you begin to tell me why I shouldn’t feel that way,
You are trampling on my feelings.

When I ask you to listen to me,
And you feel you have to do something to solve my problem,
You have failed me, strange as that may seem.

Listen! All I asked was that you listen,
Not talk or do – just hear me.
Advice is cheap: 10 cents will get you both Dear Abby and Billy Graham in the same newspaper.
And I can do for myself; I’m not helpless.
Maybe discouraged and faltering, but not helpless.

When you do something for me that I can and need to do for myself,
You contribute to my fear and weakness.

But when you accept as a simple fact that I do feel what I feel,
No matter how irrational, then I can quit trying to convince you and get about the business of understanding what’s behind this irrational feeling.

And when that’s clear, the answers are obvious, and I don’t need advice.
Irrational feelings make sense when we understand what’s behind them.

Perhaps that’s why prayer works, sometimes, for some people –
Because God is mute, and He doesn’t give advice or try to fix things.
Prayers just listen and let you work it out for yourself.

So, please listen and just hear me. And if you want to talk, wait a minute for your turn,
And I’ll listen to you.

- Anonymous

I love this poem. I often feel unheard, partially due to my own fault of poor explaining, however I think everyone, including myself needs to remember the gift of listening.
I can related to this poem for many many reasons, but one of those many is the fact that most people I know and love are not able to understand the stress and strain of living in a large city because they never have! I think people notice changes in me and I feel criticized when these changes are mentioned, but at the fault of them and me, the reasons for the changes have not been explained.

I am a naturally very passive and easy going person, but I cannot be my natural self at all times in this city. If you want to be a passive and easy going person in a large city you must also be willing to be stepped on and treated very poorly at times.

I am no longer allowed to be always be my natural self now, passive and easy going. I am forced to be aggressive and very vocal and let's just say it, at times a bitch in this large city. Crowds bring out the worst in people and I live in one big crowd.

So one last thing, although it is not normally in my nature to be aggressive, remember this - It is never wrong to let you voice be heard, even if you haven't normally had this quality in the past; and you never know what your actions would be when assualted with aggression and rudeness on a daily basis, faced with the fact that you must fight against who you naturally are, so that you will not be disrepected and treated as a lesser.

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Not the best of days..

So today was not my best day.
Today is my late day at work, so I go in around 10-10:30 and leave about 6. I decided to use this morning to get some of my stats homework done at school before I went into work. I have to use the computers at school because I don't have the software on my computer because it's sooo expensive.

So this morning I woke up late of course. I didnt' get out of the house until like 9:20! But I really wanted to get my hw done...so I decided to still go to school.

Now starts the list of things gone wrong today.
Number 1, I left my coffee on the counter at home. Now this sounds stupid but I have gotten to the point where I have to have coffee in the morning. I'm trying to safe money right now so I had to live without coffee, which annoyed me.
Number 2, it was raining today so traffic is ALWAYS bad when it's raining. So it took longer to get to school than normal, so this added to my lateness.
Number 3, Due to crappy weather more people drive to school and take up the "close" parking lot, so by the time I got to school it was full. I had to park in the parking lot that is about as far as you can get from the computer lab.
Number 4, I get to the computer lab and realize I don't have the information I need to do my homework! Biggest annoyance of the day by far. I was more than annoyed. I was pissed!! At this point it was also 10:20, which meant there was no way in hell I was going to be to work by 10:30 even.
Number 5, As I'm leaving the computer lab to bust my butt to work it begins to pour. Now when I say pour I mean it was like damn torrential rains! I was SOAKED. My hair looked like I had just gotten out of the shower by the time I got to my car.
Now of course because I'm running so insanely late already, I couldn't go back home and change. So I had to go to work complete soaked, hair, shoes, pants everything.
Number 6, I get to work at almost 11am, and what does that mean...I have to stay at work until 7pm! It gets dark here by about 4:30-5 now, so to stay at work until 7pm feels like it's 10pm at night!
This is not the way to start a day friends. My day at work was fairly uneventful thiank God considering my morning.
TGIF Friends, TGIF

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

GO OBAMA!

Hey all!

So I know not everyone that reads this will be thrilled with the turnout of yesterday's election but I am very excited! :)
I hope everyone voted yesterday! No matter what, it was an historic election that everyone should have been a part of!
It was super easy for me to vote...much easier than I thought it would be. I was in and out in 15 minutes. I had to do a paper ballot due to my address change being so close to election day but that's okay, I still got my vote in!

My week has been very interesting so far. On Monday I had to go meet with the head of the Sociology Dept, Dr Esposito, at school to discuss my plan for the remaining time of my masters. Going into the meeting I really thought that we would discuss my classes and how I could start some independent research. I thought that I would drop down to 2 classes a semester so that I would graduate in Spring 2010 and starting in the fall of 2009 I would start independent research.

Gosh if I had only known what Dr Esposito had in mind for me....

Dr Esposito pretty much told me that if I don't become more involved in the department I'm not going to get into the PhD programs that I want to apply to. Most of the schools that I am applying to are in the list of top 25 programs in the nation. They will be VERY hard to get into, so if I really want to get into one of them I have to do a lot more than I'm doing right now.
So pretty much what she told me I need to do is stop working, take a graduate assistantship starting in January working closely with a professor, in the fall of 2009 try to get a job doing research, retake my GREs, take a class to do better on my GREs, take a full course load (4 classes) and do everything I can to become fully immersed in the department. I won't be able to do independent research due to the fact that I don't have enough, well really any, experience doing research. She said I won't be approved by the department.
So pretty much I left the meeting realizing that I will have to make some major changes to get into a good program.
I didn't start this masters to just waste it. I started this masters, and I'm going into debt because of this masters, so that I can get into a good PhD program.
I have to do whatever it takes to get into a program.

So needless to say my life is going to change come January. I will become a full time student again. I will be working as an assistant to a professor and no longer working full time. I'll be finding a part time job to get by. I won't have to pay for school any longer because grad assistants get a tuition waiver. The loans that I would normally get to pay for classes I will be living on.

Although I'm nervous about having a new apartment and making the decision to stop working, I know this is what I need to do.

Okay time for tv and homemade hot chocolate :)

Sunday, November 2, 2008

It may be illegal to drive while eating a donut.....

Hey All!

I'm sitting in my apartment finally feeling like it's starting to look like home!
As many of you know we have not had any furniture and it's been tough trying to see this apartment as home due to it being very empty. My boss gave us a great love seat this weekend that fits perfectly in our living room and along with a seat from my sister and Reena's brother our living room is usable now!!

I am also beginning to cook for the first time really. In Bloomington I never really took the time to cook and now I'm really excited and eager. I made chicken a la king tonight. It's a pretty easy meal (a gravy with chicken, green pepper and mushroom with chicken over mashed potatoes) but Reena said it was VERY good :) I was proud my first attempt came out well.

The end of my week was busy and eventful at work so it was nice to have a weekend to organize the apartment a little more and just spend some time here. This is the first Sunday I feel like I have fully spent here!

I can't even begin to tell you all the events from the end of my week...but here are a few events.

On Saturday I finally got my oil changed. I desperately needed to get this done, I just hadn't taken the time or wanted to pay for it. While I was trying to pay for my oil change, I could sense a group of people staring at me. Finally a little girl says to me "Are you on TV?". I just laughed in her face. It was probably not the right reaction but I was just kind of like "what"!?!?!". I realized it was a family standing there and the mother was like, "You look so familiar, we're trying to figure out who you look like". Then the guy behind the counter thinks he needs to chime in and says "yeah you do look like somebody on TV, I just don't know who". All I could think was, "Yeah you don't know who because I don't look like ANYONE on TV!!!" It was kinda sweet though...I think.

I also got pulled over today :) I went to Staten Island last night and when I was leaving to come back to Queens this morning I realized the bridge I take to get off Staten Island was closed for the NYC marathon. Now I can't really explain to anyone the route I had to take to get to Queens, because no one will understand what I mean, but just know that I had to drive through Manhattan. Now normally I would NOT drive though the city because it is hell most of the time, but on a Sunday morning it's perfectly fine, well in terms of NYC driving! :) So I'm driving through the city on 42nd St, listening to my cheesy folk music and eating a donut, when a cop comes running up to my car screaming "Ma'am pull over to the right, pull over to the right!". Now I'm sitting at a light as he's screaming this at me, so I knew I didn't run a red light and I wasn't speeding. I honestly thought he was going to maybe yell at me for eating my donut!! So I pull over, roll down my window and the cop says "Ma'am do you know that in the state of New York it's illegal to not wear a seat belt.". Now picture me with my jaw dropped and just staring at the cop like "Are you crazy". I had my seat belt on! I always drive with it on, however, I don't always have the top part of the seat belt across my chest because it cuts across my neck and really starts to annoy me. So after looking at the cop like he's crazy, I say "I do have it on! See!" and I pull at the seat belt across my waist. Luckily, he backs up and reluctantly says, okay your good to go. But as I pull away with my heart racing I put the top part over my chest and made a mental note that I'm going to have to buy one of those cushiony things that stubby people like me need. I was also relieved he didn't make a comment about my donut :)
Although I could give other stories from the last few days I better go to bed. Reena and I spent from about 10am-6pm today organizing, cleaning, grocery shopping etc and so I'm beat.

Night All
Love

Sarah

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Hey All,
So I've had an insanely busy last couple days and I'm finally getting a chance to breath tonight.

Over the weekend I went to see Rach in upstate. It was nice to get away from the madness of the city and just relax. We originally had plans to go to Canada on Saturday but due to our own tiredness and rainy weather we decided to postpone Canada.
On Saturday we ended up getting some laundry done and buying groceries and that's it! Hhahaha Honestly though it was great to just get some things done and hang out at the house. Sunday we visited the Burrville Cider Mill and had an early dinner with a few of the other army wives that Rach is friends with. It was a relaxing but short weekend.
I didn't take as many pictures as I would have liked while there but here are a few recent pics of Sophie and Issac!






After my relaxing weekend I came back to the city to a very stressful Monday. I got back to Queens at about 11:00pm. By the time I got all my stuff in the apartment and took a quick shower it was 11:30. I had a short convo with Ali, stayed up and chatted (why does that not sound right??) with Reena for a while and finally went to bed around midnight.
I had to be up by 6:45 to get my butt to work at 8...and of course I was 15 minutes late. Work was insane because I was the only case manager there out of 4!!! So everyone's clients came to me because their cm wasn't there!!! Then I had to rush from work to get to class at 4:40, of course late again, and had 2 classes until 8:50. At my second class, statistics, I got good and bad news. The good news was that I got a 92% on my statistics test...the bad news, in one of my other classes, contemporary theory, I found out a paper that I thought needed to be 3-4 pages actually needs to be 10-15 pages!! AHHHH
I'm beyond annoyed with my theory class. To attempt be as PC as possible, lets just say my professor's teaching style does not work well for me :). Theory is the hardest course you can take in any subject because it's the foundation of any subject and to have a teacher who's "teaching style" doesn't work well with you makes it VERY difficult. I ranted to my mom's voicemail last night about this 10page paper discovery so I'll save you all from a long spew about this :)

Today, Tuesday, wasn't such a bad day because thank the lord, all case managers were at work today. It was a very cold, rainy day though and I'm not looking forward to the short days that come with winter. I'm going to miss the beautiful colors of fall but I guess I would't appreciate fall so much if I didn't have the winter.

I better go and make some dinner. I'm excited to finally have some control over my dinners and to get some good ol' Amurican food ;)

Love
Sarah

Friday, October 24, 2008

I'm BACK!!!

Hello my very loved friends and fam,

I know...don't say it...it's been about 2 months. I know I've been absent but the past 2 months have been filled with pain, challenge and growth.

I assumed when I began this blog that it would be a way for me to express my thoughts and feelings, however in the last 2 months the idea of putting my experience out there for all the world to read and know what a bit too overwhelming. I know this blog will only cause even more curiosity, and all I can say is over time you will receive enough pieces of the story to eventually fully understand. I have one gift that I request right now - TIME. Time to process my experience and develop strength from it. Time to reveal my story when I feel its best suited, not just for the sake of your curiosity.

God gives us all challenges in life. God chooses different points in our lives to experience growth spurts, and he has chosen this time for me. God has things he wants me to learn that will enable me to live me best life. The image I have of myself is not what God wants. My self image needs some work, and God has chosen now to do some work.

I know my decisions my not make sense or be at the pace that some of you may want them. I know all of the concern and questions come from love.

I'm glad I've gotten back to a point where I feel I can begin sharing again...so stayed tuned :)

I'm heading to my sister's this weekend in upstate NY and I plan to update you all on Sunday.

I love you all and thanks for your support!

Sarah

Friday, September 5, 2008

It's been a while

Hey all,
So I know it's been a good week without an update but it's been one of my busiest weeks in a long time!! This last weekend me and Ali went home to Indiana for just a couple of days. This weekend was the blueberry festival in Plymouth, one of my favorite festivals EVER. Believe it or not I didn't take any pictures though! I tried to take a few at one point but my camera wasn't cooperating and the pictures were horrible.
When I can back to NY I flew Tuesday morning at 6am and got to work at 10....and worked the whole day! Ali actually stayed in Indiana for a few extra days and I just picked him up from the airport last night.
Thank goodness today is Friday too because although this week was only 4 days it was absolute madness and needed to end. Every day something chaotic had to happen and today topped it all off for me. This is the first day I was actually in a bad mood while at work. From the minutes I got to work til the minute I left I was being bombarded with things to do and many of them were unplanned.
Due to the amount of business of this week there's wayyyy to much that happened to share it all...so my goal is to get back to doing it practically every day to keep you all posted. Right now I'm actually getting sick due to streep throat going through my facility :( Towards the end of my day my throat really started to hurt and it's only gotten worse...so I'm praying that being home this weekend and out of the facility away from the sickness might help me fight it off and it won't get full blown!! So I'm actually heading to bed all...I don't have any energy :(
Love
Sar

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Whew...

Hey Everybody,
So I know I've been slow posting this week but the last two days have been crazy!!
Tuesday was a much slower day at work than Monday..thanks goodness! BUT yesterday and today have been complete madness.

Yesterday I worked a full 8 hr day and then had my first night of classes from 4:40-10:00! What a day!! It was nice to get back to classes though because honestly it's the most stimulating thing for me. I love my classes and I love that they're all about what I'm interested. My first class from 4:40-6:40 is cultural studies...it's going to be difficult because my professor sometimes talks over our heads but she's very nice and an interesting person. After culture studies I have stats until 10:00. I'm not too nervous about this class. I have a young male professor that is very laid back and has the attitude of "come to class, do your work, and I'll do my best to give you a good grade".

Today I did the same routine. I worked all day until 6:30 and went to class from 7-9. This class is social theory. This is the class I'm most worried about. I had this professor over the summer and his teaching style is not my preferred. He tends to go on tangents and is VERY opinionated! Now don't get me wrong, a lot of sociologists are but man...I can't even explain his level of opinionatedness! HA!

Work has been going well. I'm overwhelmed at times but I'm still liking my job. I haven't had any clients completely chew me out which I was warned would happen...I think this is because I'm not nearly as blunt or unfriendly as some. I meet with I think a totally of 10 clients today and I only have 20 active clients. I technically have 28 clients but I don't work with some of them because of their status in the shelter right now. I will tell you one frustrating thing about my job is the parenting!!! AHHH I don't have kids so I won't pretend to know anything about parenting but man...I gotta think I know more than some of these people. I had one family in my office today and one of the kids, Jameer who's 3, was being horrible. I believe he has some kind of developmental delayed because he doesn't talk much and doesn't ask 3 but he is a TERROR! He was tearing things off my walls, throwing things, having tantrums...the whole nine yards! The worst part is it's not like the mom (well technically she's grandma) wasn't trying to stop it, she just wasn't effective. At one point I just stared at the boy with the most stern face I could to try to scare him into behaving...it had little effect people! A lot of my parents don't know how to be parents though and it's sad...I can see already these children will have problems in life...it's inevitable with their upbringing....

Sorry I don't think I can write much more of an update! I'm so tired and I have to get up at 5:30 tomorrow! I have to get to work early because I'm leaving tomorrow to fly HOME!!!
I'm so excited and I know I'll have tons of pictures and things to say after this weekend!!
Love
Sar

Monday, August 25, 2008

What a Day....

Well today was my first official day of meeting with clients. I thought that my two weeks of training had me feeling pretty good about meeting with clients...ya totally not true. I was so overwhelmed today it wasn't even funny. I only meet with a handful of clients and my head was spinning. Partially because I have to remember so many things for just one client!! I don't even know how to begin to explain why it is so overwhelming.
The first client that I saw is pregnant and also has a 3yr old son. When she has her second baby she has no where for her 3yr old to stay...so her only option is Respite Care. I still know very little about this organization but in a nutshell they take care of people for short periods of time when there's no one else too. SO I had to assist her as she contacted Respite and discussed all the options with her. I then had to do my first service plan with her and of course I couldn't remember how to do it on the computer. I then just did it on paper and pretended my computer wasn't working so that she would know that I just didn't know what I was doing.
I'm very sensitive to my clients knowing how little I really know! Mainly because if I establish early on with them that I don't know what's going on they can use that to their advantage or continue to think I don't know anything after I do learn everything...
I also had to remember to get paperwork from this woman, make copies of it and get it back to her.

I said "hello (name) to my second client and she looked at me and said "how do you know me?!?!" looking very paranoid and uneasy. I explained to her that I have seen her around and read information about her...I could tell right off the bat she's not mentally stable. This woman is new to the shelter and very overwhelmed. She has 4 children and absolutely nothing. She doesn't understand anything about Public Assistance, Public Housing...nothing! I explained basics to her but didn't even begin to tell her everything that I needed to. I had to refer her to counseling services because she came across so fragile. I also had to address that all of her children are sick, there are rats in her room, she doesn't have an open public assistance case, and I had to gather numerous other resources for her. I then had to do photocopying etc for her as well.

My 3rd client came to me and wanted information about employment. I am still very much in the learning stages about all the employment options so I had to fudge a lot with this. I went through what I knew but it was frustrating that I had to tell her so many times "I'll get back to you". After she left I then had to continue to talk to different people and gather resources for her...I told her I'd have all of it in her mailbox by 5 today and that didn't happen.

Next I had a woman come in that again didn't have a clue what was going on and felt very lost. She has a teenage daughter with her and two younger children.
One thing I should explain first is that when clients come to the shelter they are either deemed "conditional" or "eligible". I won't go deep into this but conditional clients come here from New York's housing authority and New York hasn't actually decided if they are really homeless. The client gives the housing authority information and they have to check it all out before they decide the person really has no where to go, or that they do actually have somewhere they could be staying. Eligible means they don't have anywhere to stay and they are allowed to stay at the shelter. If they come to the shelter conditional and the housing authority decides they do have somewhere they could stay they are immediately take from the shelter...kind of a crazy system.
So anyways....this woman didn't understand whether she was conditional or eligible. I have no way of knowing either and have to call certain people to find out. Well I call those certain people and they tell me "yes, she is eligible", so I go through tons of information with her explaining the system at the shelter ya da ya da ya da...then I go downstairs and tell the front desk that she doesn't have everything she needs since she is eligible and they said...opps there was a mistake she is not eligible, she's still conditional! I didn't have the energy to track down this woman and tell her everything I just told her, she doesn't actually get yet...so i left this alone and will deal with it tomorrow.

Another client I have dealt with quite a bit is Russian and the HARDEST person to understand. I only talk to her on the phone because she works when I am at the office. I spoke to this woman for god knows how long trying to explain issues she is having currently and I seem to be unsuccessful. It has been suggested to me to use an interpreter but I don't even want to tell you the effort it will take to get one....

I also meet with another woman today that doesn't have enough motivation and I am very cautious with her because I think she's sneaky. I sat with her for at least a half hour hearing about a job that she was going to refuse to work because they wanted her to work weekends and she has kids and no one can watch them on the weekends....

I also had staff come and tell me I had a new client come in today with NO clothes (she came from the hospital and had sheets on) and she needed food. This woman literally has nothing. She is pregnant and due any day now. SHe was staying with her mother who was abusing her so she was sent to use with absolutely nothing. So then i'm running around trying to figure out how to get this girl some food....

Did I mention that all of this happened between 1pm and 5pm today! Normally I'll see more than just this number of clients...and I have tons of paperwork I have to do on top of all of this!
Now I realize no one may really care what I did all day today but it helped me de-stress a little to write about all the craziness of the day and all the things I have to remember to do tomorrow!!

This week is going to feel psychotic anyways. I normally would have class tonight and Thursday. St John's decided they don't want to start classes until Wednesday though, so I have to have my MONDAY classes on WEDNESDAY and then I still have my Thursday classes. And keep in mind I'm flying out straight after work on Friday to go home, man the madness...

Okay, I'm going to go sit and do nothing for a minute...and then go to the gym and work out some of the stress!!
Sar

Sunday, August 24, 2008

Summer Days

Hey All,
So I know it's been a while since I posted but my life has been pretty slow. I worked all week and it hasn't gotten too eventful yet because I don't officially start seeing my clients until tomorrow! I got a little taste of working with clients though because some of them couldn't wait until Monday!

I did get a phone call from my sister this week though telling me she had a fire in her house!! Don't worry everyone and everything is fine!! She called me while I was at work though, so I was curious what was going on. She said it was a long story but I told her she had to tell me anyways :) She then told me there was a fire in the house! I knew no one was hurt because she was too calm but I was worried about damage! Luckily she said she didn't have any permanent damage...just a smoke filled house...so how did this fire start you may be thinking :) Well my sister went out to do errands and had a casserole dish sitting on her stove. The dogs were left out of their crates (which has become the norm lately) and the lovely beagle, Howie, tried to jump on the stove to get the dish and turned on the stove!
When Rach got home she heard a high pitched noise but didn't realize what it was until she practically got in her house and realized it was her smoke alarm! Rach opened the door and her house was FILLED with smoke. Luckily the "fire" was pretty much contained to the container on the stove but because the lid on the dish was plastic it smoked horribly! To make a long story short Rach called the fire dept, got the dogs out (who are ok!) and had to stay in a hotel for a day while her house was cleaned top to bottom to get the smoke out of her house and all her things. She's even had to get all new food. Luckily her home owner's insurance is good and covered the cleaning after a deductible. So this was a big scare and lesson to everyone to be careful with pets or kids that could cause these accidents!

I also bought my plane ticket for my trip home over labor day weekend! It's going to be the shortest trip ever (3 days) but I'm so excited to get home and go to the blueberry festival;) However getting plane tickets was sooo stressful! My ticket was easy. I decided to fly becuase I had no other option. I wanted to take a train back but because I'm such a procrastinator it was sold out!! So then I looked at bus tickets and they were $300!!!! I told Ali this and he was like "I just saw plane tickets for the price!". So I decided to fly even though I get extremely frustrated flying. Like I said though...my tickets was pretty easy to find and cost $319. Then we had to try to get Ali a ticket...this was interesting. We are flying seperate because I'm flying late friday and back tues morning and he's flying sat night and leaving thurs evening. He couldn't get Saturday off of work, which was annoying but what can you do. Ali actually had a voucher from Continental from a previous flight when he agreed to switch flights because they overbooked. To make it easy we decided to just call Continential. Big mistake...but we don't learn this til later. So we call them and we get a guy and explain we need a ticket from NYC to South Bend on Saturday the 30th and back on Thurs Sept 4th. So the guy says he has a ticket for Saturday night to Thursday for NY to South Bend. Great. We buy it. He tells use he'll get an email confirmation within a few hours and if he doesn't to call Continential back the next day. Well Ali never got the confirmation so we called Continental back the next day to tell them. I call them first just to fix the email ( I'm better at being nice and patient on the phone ;) and think I hear something about Indianapolis. So after I fix the email I tell the man I also need to confirm the flight is from NY to South Bend and just my luck, he says "why no ma'am, it's to and from Indianapolis". Grrrrrrrr I don't even have the energy to re-explain the next 2 1/2 hours on the phone!!! That's right people 2 1/2 hours! But they agreed to waive the change fee and charged us and extra $100 for a differently flight home...coming in he's still coming in to Indianapolis late Saturday night and I have to go pick him up :( Not real excited about this people. Luckily on Thursday he's flying out of South Bend into NY though. Let me just say flying is no longer convenient or priced for the average American so my goal is to begin flying as little as possible. I will be taking a train home for Thanksgiving and Christmas FYI!

On Thursday we had a staff appreciation day so I didn't have to go to work! Instead we had a bbq at an outdoor restaurant in the city. I actually enjoyed it. The weather was great and I've gotten to know my co-workers well enough that I felt comfortable spending a few hours with them! We sat around and ate and they had a few things for us to do like dancing, face painting, and henna. I got the henna because I've always wanted to try it and it was free. Here's a picture of mine! It's faded a little bit but you can still see it!















This weekend was my first weekend not working and being home! It was so nice and relaxing I NEVER want to have a job that is on the weekends ever again! I can't even begin to describe how much it helped me relax! Saturday I did errands and hung out with Reena again. We did a little shopping and had dinner at an Italian restaurant. Today I did more shopping with Ali...gosh it sounds like I'm shopping a lot! Today we got groceries though...and I didn't pay :). It just feels nice to have a schedule...next week I start classes again so my life will become a little crazier...so a weekend of laziness is a good thing.
Love
Sar

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Decisions, Decisions

I don't like decisions I have finally decided :)

I'm at work right now...so this is a bit of a no no...but I use this blog to vent and get my thoughts out and I'm feeling a need to do that at the moment. So I haven't really written about a decision I have had to make over this weekend yet because I didn't really feel like solidifying my decision.

Last Thursday I was given an offer from St. John's to take a graduate assistant position in the sociology dept. It is a part time positions and your tuition is waivered. I would be working with a professor assisting them with whatever they want assistance with:) HOWEVER...you don't get paid and you aren't allowed to work while you are a graduate assistant! No pay can be difficult when you have bills and have a goal of getting your own apartment! My goal is to eventually get myself out of social services and into the academic world and so this was such a frustrating decision to make.

Do I chose the GA position that takes me closer to my goal of academia, while paying for my tuition, but then using my loans to live on....

OR do I keep my full time social work position, that wille eventually get difficult, (all social work positions do), but I will have money to get my own apartment, pay my bils, won't go into deeper debt etc etc

Well today I was forced to verbalize my decision and called the head of the sociology dept and told her I could not take the position. This was such a hard phone call for me...I got off the phone and felt like crying...one because I am just such an emotional person and its very easy for me to cry :) two because I hate being an adult. I don't like the difficult decisions that come with adulthood and the things you are forced to consider when making your decisions. Decisions are no longer based on simply what you want...

When you're young you're decisions are really not that big or life altering, you think they are...but they really aren't. Whether or not to date Billy Bob or not to date Billy Bob....should I work at Gap or should I work at Old Navy...prom or no prom, really people, these aren't life altering.

I'm an adult though, and I realize this more and more when I have to base decisions on money, location, benefits, loans etc etc.

I am extremely sad that I couldn't take this position. Now I know this decision wouldn't classify as life altering...but one can't help but wonder if I'm letting my break into academia be postponed due to this decision...I guess I'll never really know...I can only have a positive attitude and hope that I will get another opportunity and be in a financial place where I can take it.

Monday, August 18, 2008

I got back to my country roots!

Hey Everybody!
This last weekend I visited Rach in upstate NY. It was a chore trying to get up there but once I got there it was a great weekend.
I left after work on Friday at around 4:30. Now normally I would get upstate in about 5 hours...well not on a Friday leaving NYC. It took 7 1/2 hours guys!!!!! I'm not exaggerating either! I got there at midnight! What a drive. I got stuck in traffic and sat for who knows how long, my GPS system stopped working half way through the drive (thank goodness for a good memory), and I almost ran out of gas at the end of the drive because the last hour you are in the middle of no where!!

But I got there :) On Saturday we went to Boldt Castle in Alexandria Bay, NY. It's right across the water from Canada! I love historical buildings, especially homes. The kids did really well too! We spent a little time after touring the castle hanging around the town. It's soooo cute. It makes me desperately miss all the small little towns around Indiana. This area is called the 1000 Island regions and I love it. There's tons of small little towns and it's totally country.
Here are a few pictures from Saturday. The last picture is from the top of the castle looking at the town of Alexandria Bay!













On Sunday Rach and I took the kids to Old McDonald Farm!!! It was so cute. This is a real, working farm that does tours of the farm for kids. They let kids pet and see all of their animals. Sophie feed the goats popcorn, we saw pigs (did you know pigs are actually smarter than dogs!!),sheep, llamas, chickens, rabbits, horses...everything! We toured the cow barns too. This farm has 550 cows and milks all of them 3 times a day!! Here are a few pictures from the day!













My weekend felt so short. I miss the babies already!! Don't worry I miss you too Rach. It's so hard to leave them...especially since Sophie has given me a nickname...Bebo!! We have no idea where it came from but I love it. When I was leaving she stood on the front porch saying "bye bye bebo, bye bye"!!! Then I honked my horn for her and made her jump cuz it scared her so much! :)

Sar

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Dude...today's Thursday??!!?

Hey All,
So I definitely thought today was Wednesday! I can't believe tomorrow is Friday! Work has been going well...I'm actually starting to enjoy it more and more. The first day is always hard but I'm starting to get to know people and my job better and better with every day. I think I'll feel decently confident once I start working with clients (which won't be until the 25th!). Tuesday, Wednesday and today I spent reading files on my clients and meeting with more people at Briarwood (the name of the facility I work at) and learning what their role is. My job is to be a resource for all of my clients so I need to know everyone's job as well as a lot of government programs like housing, public assistance, social security etc. One thing I'm noticing and really liking is that the program is very organized. Everyone has just one job and knows it well....does that make sense? I just feel like for employees and clients it's really clear what everyone does and there's no overlap or anything.
I actually got a little more outspoken today and got in a "heated discussion" with a maintenance worker at the building. Today we had a going away party for the girl I'm replacing and everyone in the building was invited. We actually are really close with our maintenance men! My guy is Harris :) We've bonded well. Anyway...one of them decided to start a conversation at the end of the going away party with a couple of us employees. He decided to bring up a discussion about the "N" word. He is black and feels like he has the right to say it. At Briarwood I'm actually a minority. Most of the staff is black or hispanic, with a few white. Which is fine, I actually enjoy the diversity...but anyways...so myself and this guy as well as 2 other black women, another white girl, and another black man were are sitting and having this conversation. It got quite heated because all of us except the 2 black men felt no one should use the "N" word, black or white. It turned into a 30min discussion about why it's not okay for anyone to use it (which is due to it's symbolism and the history and meaning of the word, as well as respecting the people that were actually affected by the meaning of the word). It was such a frustrating conversation because this man continued to think because I'm from Indiana I must use the word and be racist because "everyone from Indiana is racist", according to him.
It was interesting though because I've never shown my opinion so loudly and openly or so quickly when I've just started a job. It was kind of relieving though...to just give my opinion and say this is what I think...I don't care if you don't like it!!!
Nothing else too exciting has happened in the last few days!! I could give you a few stories about clients but I'm tired and have to get up early tomorrow. I'm going to work early because I'm going to Rach's for the weekend and leaving right after work!!
K...I'm going to bed all.
Good Night!
Sarah

Monday, August 11, 2008

First Day of Work!

Hola,
So you'd think I'd have a huge update being my first day of work at a new job...but actually I don't have much to say!! It was a very uneventful day! I guess before I explain anything about my day I should say exactly what I do. I work for Salvation Army Social Services. I work at a tier two homeless shelter which means instead of community sleeping rooms and bathrooms etc, in my shelter each family has their own apartment with a full bathroom, kitchen etc. You must have children to stay in the shelter I work at as well. My job in a nutshell is to work with the adults and help them with whatever barriers are keeping them from being able to find or keep their own housing. I will mostly work with clients on education and employment. My job will also largely be about knowing resources for the families and referring them to whatever resources they need. Ok so now my first day....

I got to work this morning with plenty of time to spare...the commute wasn't too bad. I sat through what will be a weekly meeting to discuss all of the families in the shelter. There are about 90 families in the shelter so this takes about 2 hours. Then I sat with the girl that I will be replacing and learned about PA(public assistance...more well known as welfare). PA is very detailed and there are so many things that affect whether or not someone gets, how much $$ the get, how the keep it etc etc etc. I won't bore you all with the details. I also learned the whole process of an intake (or getting a new family at the shelter). After sitting with the girl I am replacing, I sat with some staff while they ate lunch and I just sat..who really has an appetite on their first day of a new job?!!? I was then shown basic things on my computer and phone and told I could spend some time cleaning my office....and boy did it need it. The guy that used my office before me was disgusting!! He didn't clean anything!!!! There was oatmeal packets, a brush, lots of hair, paycheck stubs, shampoo, used soap, a coke botttle all in my desk still...and this is just a few things!!! He also hadn't gone through files in years...as I began going thru then and cleaning I found things from 1999!!! He didn't know how to throw anything out!!! So my big goal this week is to clean my office!

After cleaning for quite a while I was suppose to go review the binders on our clients. Each family in the shelter has a binder with ALLLL of the information you could want to know about them...and my boss would like me to read them all in the next two weeks! I didn't get downstairs to do this until about 4:30 and didn't get very far...there was another staff person in the office and we ended up talking instead of me reading...which is fine...that just can't happen everyday!!

I then left at 5 as I was advised to do...I was told if you don't establish that you leave at 5, you'll be dragged into staying and never get out at a decent time! Then the most exciting part of my day happened...I know no one will be able to understand or appreciate this but that's okay. I left the office at 5...i stopped and got gas and still got home at 6!!!!!! Getting home in an hour is AMAZING timing!!! Trust me!!!

Sunday, August 10, 2008

Weekend

Hey all,
Wow my weekend went fast!! I thoroughly enjoyed it though because this is the first time in a lonnnngg time that I have had a whole weekend off! I've worked at Morimoto since I've moved out here and for the last few months my schedule was fri, sat, sun, mon....so it felt very weird to not be working! I start my new job tomorrow though and I will definitely let you all know tomorrow how it goes!

This last friday I got to spend time with my friend Reena. I went to college with Reena and she lives out here in NY (Long Island - which is close to NYC), but due to crazy schedules I've barely gotten to see her in the last few months!

However, before I headed out to Long Island to visit Reena friend on friday I decided to to to T Mobile because my phone started acting funny. Most of you probably don't even know this phone exists. I have 2 phones...verizon and t mobile. I mainly use the t mobile with Ali and non-verizon people....but anyways....this phone started acting funny a couple of days ago. I woke up and it was vibrating...and wouldn't stop!! The only way I could get it to stop was if I took out the battery!! So I took it to the t mobile store here on SI and of course I get the dummy employee. Now normally I would not be mean and say this about anyone but he was the worst customer service person I have ever encountered. I walked up to the counter and he was the only one not busy...so I said "hi, my phone is not working right, can you help me?". He looks at me for a second then asks me if I have some kind of phone. I say "no, I don't even know what kind of phone that is...here is my phone"...and I pull out my phone and show him the vibrating problem. He then asks for the last 4 digits of the social security number on the account. The account is in Ali's brother's name so of course I don't have a clue. So then I have to call Ali's brother at work, otherwise this lovely man says he can't help me. So I call Ali's brother, thank goodness he answers, and he gives me the last 4 of his social...no problem...I rattle it off for the the man and hang up. He then needs my phone number and of course I give him the wrong number...shows you how often I don't give out this number!...and he says he can't find the account and asks for the social numbers again. I can't remember the numbers because I just said them really quickly while on the phone and thought the man would put the in the computer. Well when I gave him the wrong number it deleted the social numbers...so then we had to play with numbers to come up with the right numbers!!!

Soooo finally we got the account open and the man is not talking to me...he then just says "ok we'll give you another phone"! He didn't try to fix my phone or even look at it! Then one of the guys buddies walks up...and this is where the fun began. This lovely friend sticks around and my customer service rep, instead of helping me, walks away from me!! and starts talking to his friend!! I actually follow him because I didn't know what he was doing! So I have to wait while he chats with his friend. He then comes over and continues helping me and shows me the phones I can chose from...I chose one which is really nice!..so now he needs to take the memory chip thing from the old phone and put it in the new one (and no I don't know the technical name for this chip)...so he stands and tries to get it out for a while and then says to me "do you know how to get this thing out?"!!! YES he definitely said this!! Two things are wrong with this sentence 1) if you work at a store that is all about cell phones you should know what "things" are called 2) you should also be able to take out one of these "things", and not act like you don't know what you're doing. So I got the chip out :)...and of course as I begin to take the chip out he goes back to his friend and chit chats a little more!! Annoyance...huge annoyance my friends...finally the turd comes back over and and he turned on the phone and says "you're all set". Oh lord. I just take my phone and walk away..i decided it'd be better to figure out anything I needed on my own...and I didn't want one of the competent workers walking over and saying..."Why are you just giving this girl a phone?!" The quality of customer service nowadays...can't get any better!!!

So after getting my new cell phone I started my drive to Long Island. I left around 3 and man did I misjudge what traffic would be like. It was horrible because everyone from the city goes out to Long Island on the weekends...so lets just say a drive that would normally take 1 hour took about 1 hr and 45 mins...but I finally got there! Reena and I then hung out and tried to go shopping...I say try because I was in a horribly picky mood and couldn't find one thing that I wanted!! Oh well :) We then got some chinese for dinner and went to see The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. I actually really enjoyed this movie and almost cried a few times!! Seriously!! So cute. We then went home and passed out...hey I told you I'm an old woman!
On Saturday we woke up and watched some Olympics and then got some breakfast at a diner close by. Diners are really popular out here!! Aftwards we got Italian ices...does anyone in Indiana know what these are??...I didn't until I can out here and insist they aren't in IN. They are like a mixture between ice cream that's more ice than cream....that's the best way I know how to describe it!!...After hanging out a little more I headed back to Staten Island. I then sat home ALONE and watched some Olympics and just relaxed. I stress alone because that almost never happens!!

I then picked Ali up from the ferry and we went to what I thought was going to be a small bbq at one of his friend's house...Yeah....as we we're pulling up we see the street is blocked off...and why might you ask...oh because it's a huge freakin' block party!! So after searching for parking we get to his friend's house. We hang out, have some food, stand around because we don't know many people, and then we head inside his friend's house to watch some MMA fights on pay per view. So we're just starting to watch the fights and I notice that Ali had gone downstairs and has been down there for awhile. I wonder what he's doing so go look for him and I find him in the bathroom...throwing up! All he says is go get the car...he looks horrible...so I get the car without saying bye to anyone...not to be rude but because he really looks bad. Ali drags himself out to the car and I attempt to speed home as fast as I can...1) because he looks really sick 2) I don't want him to throw up in my car! So we get home and he falls on the bed. He proceeds to run to the bathroom a few times to be sick and then after a few times, just holds the trash can next to him on the bed (well I held the trash can), exhausted and in a lot of pain. He honestly made me wonder if I needed to drive him to the ER he looked so bad and acted like he was in so much pain!!! Thank god after being sick quite a few times, whatever was making him ill got out of his system and the pain went away...but what a fun night...emptying a puke fill trash can....:)

Today, Sunday we slept in, Ali needed it...and then we went out to New Jersey. Ali's cousin AJ and his wife Jessica and baby Ayan live out there and we visit alot! Ali's friend Mike also went with us. Ali and Mike went fishing with his other cousin, Shadan (I know lots of family!), while I hung out with AJ and Jessica all day. It was honestly relaxing though to just sit in there house, watch the Olympics, and just...relax. I don't know how else to say it. I played with Ayan who is such a cutie...I'll have to post a picture of him. Ali got back around 7 and we left shortly after, got some quick Indian food and came home! Today wasn't too exciting...but I need those days every now and then...actually more than every now and then would be nice!!
Okay I'm going to bed to get up early for my first day of work tomorrow!!
Wish me luck!
Love
Sar

Friday, August 8, 2008

This is long........!!!

Wow So I have had a reallllly long week and have so much to update you all on it’s not even funny!! I’ll just start with Monday!

MONDAY
Monday was my bday!! I have decided that I am officially an old person…and here is why. I have decided that birthdays are no longer a big deal to me…seriously! As long as I am doing something on my birthday with people I love I honestly don’t care if I get gifts or if everyone and their brother calls me. I just want it to be an enjoyable day...yes I am only 24 but really I think I’m secretly 50...and here are reasons why!
1. I listen to NPR and other radio talk shows instead of listening to music
2. I saw the movie Juno and hated it...mainly because I thought Juno spoke very funny and it made me wonder if kids talk like that now a days and I didn't know it....
3. I’ve started to thoroughly enjoy sitting, reading the NY Times, and drinking a cup of coffee...I want to find time to do this every morning now because I’m getting so into it!
4. I was thinking about some of the things I really, truly enjoy doing...and the top 2 things we’re festivals and visting small cozy towns...how many 24 yr olds would really be entertained by these things?
5. I have started reading books, mainly sociology books...about anything...economics, politics, family, religion...when did I go from dreading reading these books to enjoying them in my spare time??
6. I have stopped sleeping extremely late...I can naturally wake up at 9...may not be early to some BUT do you all realize how much I am not a morning person?!?!?!
7.Feeling relaxed and introspective has become my goal now...I don’t need the hustle and bustle...just peacefulness...again most 24 yr olds would rather be living it up...oh but not me!
8. I have no desire to “go out” any longer. You probably couldn’t pay me to. I am much more content using my weekends to get up to date with the news, try a new restaurant, watch a movie at home, or visit a festival;)...I can’t remember the last time I’ve had a drink...really!

So now that you now why I’m secretely old let me tell you about my BDAY!

I went to Atlantic City with Ali and his cousin’s wife, Jessica, and their baby, Ayan. It was really nice to visit a beach town just to relax. I loved walking along the boardwalk and just looking at the ocean...ahhh it’s so pretty. We didn’t get to spend too much there but an afternoon away from the crazy city was good
enough.
When we first got there we ate at a restaurant called Continental. Now let me explain something...Ali works for a restaurant called Buddakan...I worked for a restaurant called Morimoto...all 3 of these restaurants are owned by Starr Restaurant Organization (there’s about 14 more too!)...SO... whenever you go to another Starr restaurant, as long as you’re an employee, which Ali is, you pretty much don’t pay for your meal. I was expecting this, but I wasn’t expecting the rucus (i know I spelled that wrong) that they made! All because “ooo there’s a sous chef from NY here”!!!...but that’s what happen...apparently all the other restaurants...which are mainly in AC and Philly...praise the NY one’s...ust because it’s NY! Let me help you out folks...they’re no better than the other restaurants!!! So anyway...we ended up being at Continental for about 3 hours! We got sooo much food and dessert (they have the best carrot cake I’ve ever had in my life!) we didn’t even order! All the managers had to come say their little hellos and of course we had to see the kitchen!! This was the least interesting part to me...it’s a kitchen...but here’s Ali…” ooo you guys have one of those”...and “wow we only have...” and “oh man this is a great kitchen!”. That was my gift to him on my bday...he got to see a kitchen :)
After eating at continential we went out on a little porch (sorry a better word for this is not coming to mind at the moment!) because we we’re told there would be a water show that goes along with music. This this excited me...again I’m like an old woman. We were told the shows start on the hour, every hour...well it’s 5pm at this point so the show should be starting...and it wasn’t...Ali was like okay there are no signs of it starting, lets get moving...so we walk back in the building to leave and OH there’s the show! We seemed to have missed the note that the show was INSIDE! It was really cool though! I’ve never watched a water music show before and it was quite entertaining.
After our little musical water show we just headed out to the boardwalk and walked along it. I loved it...looking at shops along the way is great fun to me. After walking for a while Jessica said I should get my palms read...now I am NOT a superstitous person or believe Tarot cards or palm reading...but hey...it’s my bday...why not! I was slightly surprised by this woamn...she described my personality in a decent way...said I was creative...possibly in social work...I don’t trust people very much...especially the person I’m dating (Ali loved that!)...i’m going to have 2 kids...will die of old age...etc. Now do I really believe she could read my palms?...no...what she can read is reactions on faces, to you to determine if she’s saying the right things. That’s what I believe in. But it was fun and interesting no the less. (PS and Ali did hold a grudge against me for a few hours about the fact that “I don’t trust him”...however when he got his palms read oh course everything she said to him was bogus...but what she said to me some how was true!! ;)
After hearing about my future we walked a little more and went onto a branch of the boardwalk with carnival type games. We wasted more money here than anywhere else! I tried to shoot a gun...tried being the key word..got punched in the face with a punching bag that I’m suppose to hit...and played with the machines that you give a dollar to and try to take the claws and pick up things...gosh who knows how much money we gave them!
Lastely we went into a casino...for about 20 minutes! That’s all I could do...we lost $20 in that time and that was already too much for me...when you’re poor you don’t gamble away that much money...all I could think was that’s a metro card or a 3rd a tank of gas for me!! Hahahah
After all this it was getting close to 8:30 and we had a good 2.5 hour drive ahead of us. By the time we got home it was about midnight (we stopped by Piscataway NJ to drop off Jessica and Ayan). I got a little cranky on this ride home...I was tired!! But overall it was a great day...very relaxing and with people I love...what I want on every birthday now for the rest of my long life (hey that’s what the fortune teller says I’ve got comin’ ;)
PS I have pictures but I probably won't post them today...this post's long enough! So i'll get them up this weekend!


TUESDAY
Man I started this day TIRED! I got to bed around 12:30 on Monday and got up at 5:45 to get into the city by 8:30 for orientation for the new job. I couldn’t be late of course so I gave myself a little extra time, but man...what a killer. Luckily it wasn’t a bad commute to the office in the city.
I woke up at 5:45
I left the house at 6:15 and drove to the ferry to get there by 6:50
I took the 7am ferry and go to the city at 7:30
I then hoped on a subway and go to where I needed to be about 7:55.
Yes I was a good half hour early but you NEVER know when NYC will bite you in the ass and make you really late...it happens frequently! (Just wait till you hear about Thursday!)

The Orientation
Orientation was like most..very boring and a lot of paperwork. I was originally told it would go all day and luckily I was done by about 11!!
I was obviously very early and after using the bathroom in the Starbucks around the corner, without buying a drink (they hate this!), I was there by about 8:10. There was another man that got there early and man talk about a talker!! I’m friendly too...but holy cow this man could not sit in silence!!...and I don’t really like having conversations that early in the morning!!
Once everyone got there we got our TB shots and did our drug tests. I’ve never seen adults so worried about being able to pee before. The nurse started handed everyone cups and they were all like “oh no do you have any water...I don’t have anything in me!” Come on people. She needed about 2 drops of pee. So I just went in and did my business while the woman next to me literally drank 4 cups of water and the talker man downed a couple as well.
I then had to listen to a man talk about OSHA (occupational safty stuff). This man was annoying because instead of just doing his little presentation he felt as though he needed to encourage participation...grrr...so he put mulitple choice questions into his slides and would NOT go on until someone said the answer. To make this less painful I just said A, B,C or D as quickly as possible.
Then after tons of paper work I had my fingerprints taken. Let me tell you Hoosiers...NY takes their fingerprinting seriously. I had to do each finger and thumb...then do my whole finger...then do my thumbs again. Man they really should just take a whole hand print cuz that’s pretty much what they got!!
After my orientation was over I has serious business to take care of...start my 10-15 page research paper due this Thursday (reminder this is Tuesday) that I have not typed one word of. Yeah I was stressed.

I commuted my butt back to SI, I had my car parked right at the ferry so I could leave and go straight to Queens to start writing. I got to Queens about 1...not bad timing! And went to the Barnes and Noble right around the block from school. I love that there’s a bookstore so close to school and in walking distance. I sat and wrote until class (all I produced was about 7 pages of disorganized notes) then had to head to class. After class I got home around 7:45 and didn’t have much motivation. Ali’s family was over for dinner and so I felt obligated to sit and eat with everyone. By the time I could actually start writing again it was around 9:30. I had no motivation...so I went to bed...I had all day of Wednesday ahead of me...

WEDNESDAY
Write. Write. Write. That’s all I did. I got up at 8:30 and went straight to Queens kids! I head to a Starbucks about 5 minutes from school and sat there until noon. At noon I headed back to the Barnes and Noble until 4:30. I then headed to class until 6:30. I then headed home and went straight to Panera and stayed there until 10. Literally people...I wrote alllll day long.
I don’t even have any fun stories from Wednesday because there were no fun stories. All I was doing and thinking about was “In Defense of Our Youth: Destructive Youth Behavior and Societal Causes.
I won’t bore you all with heavy details of my paper, but here's my argument in a nutshell... Youth’s behaviors have become more destructive in the last half century. They have actually always had destructive behavior but it has gotten worse. These changes are not all the fault of the youth. Youth are formed by the culture and society they live in. We have created a toxic society. Socially, economically and politically we have oppressed youth and put up barriers and difficulties for them to overcome to succeed. Examples: minimum wage is not a living wage, we no longer have enough manual labor jobs for those that don’t want to go to college, we have created the idea that post secondary education is required when in reality it often is really unnecessary for many jobs that require it, etc etc etc. If you really want to read it I can send you a copy :)

THURSDAY
Ok so my paper is due today. By Wednesday night I have all 10 pages written but I still needed to revise, reword etc. However...I have to go into the city again. When you get a TB shot you have to have it looked at 2 days later. Grrr... So I had to commute into the city just for this! I got to the Salvation Army offices in the city at 8:48...by 8:56 I was walking out of the office...with no TB and starting my 1hr and 15 min commute back to Staten Is. I did a good 2 hr and 45 minutes of commuting in one morning to be in an office for 8 minutes...this didn’t put me in the best of moods for the day...especially since I still had an unfinished paper on my mind.
So I got back to SI and went back to Panera to finish this paper. And of course, like always I miscalculate how long it will take me to finish it. At about 3 I’m almost finished I just need to go over it a couple more times and I needed to leave at 3:20 to get this paper to my professor in time.

Let me back up and explain something. So yesterday my professor said that he wasn’t going to lecture today, we could just come and turn in our papers and leave. I was happy about this...until I realized I would be driving to Queens (2.5 hours combined) just to hand in a paper. So I emailed my professor last night and asked if I could email it to him. He never responded so the whole day I debated whether I should just email it or if I should do the drive to Queens. At about 3 I decided ok, I have to drive this paper to Queens.

Okay back to 3pm and my paper’s almost done. We’ll 3:20 rolls around, which is when I need to leave and I’m not quite done reading. I finish at about 3:30...crap...I still have to print this paper out...I’m at Panera. No worries there’s a Kinkos 2 minutes away and its on the way. So I get to Kinkos and its 3:35...I should have been on the road to class a good 10 minutes ago. I get into Kinkos and the first computer I use to print off my paper says the printers aren’t working...I begin to panic...it’s 3:40. I’m running really late and my professor will not wait past 5:00 for this paper. I ask the man at the desk if the printer is working at any of the computers...”Oh yeah it works at the last one”. Ok. I get my paper printed off...it’s 3:45. It takes a good 1 hour and 15 minutes to get to school. I have exactly that amount of time...I’m stressed. Traffic is worse because it’s closer to rush hour. I drive to Queens like a mad woman. I park my car in a handicap spot...yes I did, but don’t worry there were about 10 still open right next to it...and I ran...ran people, to my professor’s office. I get there as he is closing his door. I am sweating like a pig and its 5:04... He says “oh good thing you made it. I don’t accept papers through emails or late papers”. Whew...I have never cut it so close in my life.
Lesson for me: Don’t wait until the very last minute to finish and print your papers. Especially when it is the paper that makes up your WHOLE ENTIRE GRADE FOR THE CLASS!

So to recap people I spent a good 2.5 hours commuting this morning to be in an office for 8 minutes and I spent another good 2.5 hours commuting in the afternoon to again spend about 5 minutes in an office. All this was not making me feel cheery and happy today.
On my way home Ali calls me and asks me to pick him up from the ferry on my way home. Not a big deal I do this all the time. Poor Ali didn’t know what was coming his way though. Traffic on Staten island was really bad as I was trying to pick him up. There was just tons of traffic because it was at rush hour time. When I got to Ali at the ferry I was beat. I was yelling at every other car and then I began yelling at him. I yelled because everyone was cutting me off. I yelled because I had spent 5 hours of my life commuting today. I was yelling because I felt like I didn’t turn in a good enough paper. I was yelling because I was tired. I was yelling because I was already stressed out and the atmosphere of a busy city just aggravates me even more. I was yelling because I am starting my new job on Monday and will be driving in this chaotic mess 5 times a week. I was yelling because I felt like I was boiling inside with anger and frustration and have absolutely no idea how to get it out.
Ali was just looking at me. I was screaming and crying. What a scene sitting at the red light with the windows down. I didn’t care. I couldn’t care anymore. I sometimes think I missed the step in life when you learn how to handle frustration because man...I don’t have that skill. Ali doesn’t know what to say and I don’t blame him. I tell him I have to move to Queens and he says that’s fine. I tell him I don’t believe him that he'll be okay with this. He says what do you want me to say then. In these moments I don’t really think anyone can say anything to make me feel better. My emotions are running me right now. I have lost control of myself and my rationality. We get home and he gets out of the car and goes straight to the gym. I stand inside our bedroom and just sit. Feeling completely overwhelmed by the feelings and frustrations inside of me and feeling like I’m going to lose it at any given moment. I don’t know what to do. I mechanically put on running clothes and run out of the house. I run...and I run...and I run...I run for a good hour. And that is where the poem from yesterday came from.
Yesterday was a hard day. The frustrations of this city and the perfection I expect from myself became too much.