So I have been trying to get a blog up for about the last week and a half, it's just been so hectic I really haven't had time to sit and write...although a lot has been going on!
This last weekend I of course went home for Thanksgiving. It was a much needed break from school, work, and New York in general. I've decided though that going home is hard though. I train myself out here in New York. I prepare myself to be tough and aggressive, to deal with the traffic, everything that's overpriced, the fast pace, the rough and rude people...everything...I prepare myself for it all...and then I go home. When I go home all this preparation disappears. Everything is easy and CALM again. I don't feel stress and anxiety. I feel comfortable and like everything will be okay. I don't feel like I have to anticipate anything. I don't have to prepare, due to the anticipation of a rude person, or a traffic jam, or a cost I can't afford. There's no extra preparations in Indiana...I just live.
Then I come back to New York and I experience shock all over again and have to adjust again. Once I'm in New York for a little while I can get myself used to everything (or at least numb myself to it) and feel like I get myself trained enough to deal...and then I go home and lose it all, then when I come back i'm a basket case for the next week. That's the stage I'm in right now.
Let me explain the difference with examples though my friends...
While I was home for Thanksgiving I spent all my time with family. On Wednesday I met my best friend and we had dinner and a movie...there was no need to rush. We were able to get to the movie when it started, no problems, no worries about traffic being bad or a long line.
Thanksgiving I spent at my grandparents house with my dad's side of the family. It was a great day, but very sad. I feel a lot of guilt being so far from my grandparents right now. My grandpa is not in good health and it scares me. I am scared to my core that something will happen before I can move back home. I have learned my lesson in appreciating your family while you have them near you. I regret more than anything that I did not visit my grandparents more often when I had the chance. This reason alone made it hard to come back to New York. I knwow that I have to finish school, but it was hard being home and picturing how great it would be to see my grandparents frequently and spend family nights together. It makes me breakdown just thinking about it. I can't help but feel I'm missing out on time with my family.
On Friday mom and I went shopping. Now neither me or mom does crowds, however this would be our only time to go Christmas shopping together...so it was then or never. Surprisingly it was fine though. It was better than a normal day of shopping in New York!!! Now that says something!!! Everyone was soooo friendly too. I was in shock all day that all of the cashiers ands sales people were friendly and courteous. Our waitress was even friendly. So much to the point that it was annoying mom but I was soaking every ounce of it up my friends!!! Even the woman at Panera was great! At Panera they took a little extra time to make my tea and the woman making it apologized and brought me my tea personally!!!!!!! This DOES NOT happen in New York. Let me just tell you what would happen in New York. The woman in New York would take even longer to make it, she'd set it on the counter and be annoyed that I wasn't standing there to take it off her counter. Then if I didn't come get it fast enough she'd YELL a chai latte is ready :) This people, is the difference.
Saturday I spent another day with family, my mom's side. We went out to dinner and then went back to our house and played Catch Phrase. This is the funnest game!!
I have decided that I love games and I am going to force friends and family to play games any chance I can. I even had mom buy me dominos and Fact or Crap for me for Christmas. I also bought myself Phase 10 recently...another great one my friends.
Anyways after my wonderful time at home, full of calmness and relaxation, I had to head back to New York. When I left for home last Wednesday it only took me a little over 11 hours to get home...so I figured about 11 hours to get back to New York. This was my big mistake. I had already let me guard down and forgotten, you DON'T make that kind of assumption with a city like New York.
Anyways, I left Indiana at 7am and thought I'd be back to New York by no later than 6:30pm, which isn't a bad time. So I start my drive and got through Indiana and Ohio with no problems. Then I hit Pennsylvania. This is were the traffic begins! First I hit horrible traffic because the weather wasn't great and so cars were driving extra slow...so I drove at about 10mph for about 45mins to an hour. I got stuck twice in Pennsylvania with this bad traffic. This added on extra time right away. I then got to New Jersey and shockingly got thru NJ with no problems..this is a huge shocker since NJ can be just as bad as New York. Then I get to New York. Now at this point I've already tacked on about 2 extra hours. It's about 8pm. I'm exhausted from sitting in extra traffic and the stress of driving by myself in general. As I'm getting to New York the traffic becomes my worst nightmare. There are signs everywhere warning of 60-75 minutes delays just to get over bridges!!! This is a major traffic jam people. So for me to get all the way to my apartment would have taken AT LEAST another 2 hours! So I chose Staten Island instead. I decided I'd stay at Ali's just to get out of my car and be done with the drive. Even this option was not that great though. To get across the Outer Bridge took 45 minutes...this bridge is less than a mile long people! No matter what I was going to have to cross a bridge but believe it or not, Staten Island was the closest and shortest option.
Then my Monday started....
Monday I had to be to work by 7:45 because I have to leave early since I have class at 4:40. I got to work at 8:20.
I was also completely exhausted because although I didn't get to work on time my alarm was still going off starting at 6:15. Even my boss told me I looked out of it.
I instantly dealt with someone nasty at work as well. I had to call a social services agency and the woman I got on the phone will just be called Ms McNasty. Due to my already very tired, and not excited to be back in New York City self, I decided to hang up on Ms McNasty. May not have been the best idea but I couldn't do it. I couldn't go from the pleasantness of Indiana to the harshness of New York that quickly...I just couldn't brush it off and make that adjustment right away...my guard went down too much while I was in Indiana. So then I sat at work and cried for a while. I cried due to my insane level of homesickness and overwhelming desire to just pack up and go home, to forget school and everything else... Obviously I later had a more sane moment, knowing I had to finish school and not let a stupid city get the best of me...or let all the Ms McNasty's make me cry.
For my lunch hour at work I ended up going to school to complete my homework that I couldn't do earlier because I dont' have the computer software....so this means that I didn't get lunch.
I then got back to work and had to leave a few hours later to go back to school.
I went to school with no problems and came home but than had a realization.
I lost my passport.
I discovered this because I have some paperwork that I need to fill out for school and to provide identification I can show my passport as an option. So Monday night I'm looking for it and I can't find it anywhere! So it's 9pm at night. I'm hungry, exhausted, and experiencing a rudeness shock all over again and then I realize I've lost a very important piece of identification. I looked everywhere I could think of and decided it was a lost cause.
I just went to bed.
Thank God I woke up today feeling much more rested!! I felt a little more able to cope with this crazy city that I live it. I went to work and was able to get through the day with no craziness. I then get home and realize...hmmmm...I don't know where my camera is either. I become hysterical. I search the apartment for like 30minutes trying to now find my passport and camera. I call my sister, Ali, and my parents leaving them messages telling them there's a crisis...Sarah's lost her camera and passport. Ali is the only one that answers the phone. I cry to him for a while and decide that I need to just go take a hot shower and try to not think about this for a while. Before I get in I decide to take my inhalor...all this anxiety I can't freakin' breath. As I set my inhalor down I look at my purse sitting at my feet and notice a zipper on the back of my purse....and then I almost shit myself. I open the zipper pocket and there's my camera and passport. I had purposely put them there so that no one could see them in my very loose, often open purse.
Please tell me that somebody else has put things in a place you think no one else will find and then you yourself forgets that special place you put them?!??!?
What a day. What a week. I'm still glad I got to go home. I have to get these little tastes of home to ground myself and remember that life here is a rarity and most Americans do not live this way. If only New Yorker's would catch on......
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Friday, November 21, 2008
FYI I can't see demons
Hola Familia y Amigos,
So I totally put a post up on Tuesday of this week and somehow it didn't show up! Too bad for you all though cuz I'm not typing it again!
Anywho, thank God it's friday friends cuz it's been a lonnnggg week! I had a 20 page paper due this Thursday and I actually had to take off of work on Thursday to finish it because I was so behind! Lesson learned = don't procrastinate! The problem is I've always been a procrastinator and swear I don't know how to finish something early!! I like to tell myself I just work better under pressure :) (PS that's complete bullshit, I'm really just lazy!).
Anyways, this week has also been sucky at work. My last blog was about all the drama at work and my realization that jobs aren't hard because of the job but because of the people you work with.
I've been dealing with people back stabbing, gossiping, misleading, lying, finger pointing, blaming, etc etc etc and I'm very over it. It's so disappointing because I truly do enjoy working with a lot (not all :), but a lot of my clients and it's frustrating when your job is stressful due to co-workers not clients.
I must say though that today was an interesting day at work. I have a family that I work with that I really love. There's a mom who's about 34 with a teenage daughter and son and a younger daughter. They are a pretty easy family to work with...except for one thing...they believe that there are demons in their window. Now they brought this up to me almost a month ago and at first I was like "oh my God are they going crazy?!?!?" I really didn't know what to say or do but luckily a social worker at the shelter met with them a few times and told me he had taken care of it...at least that's what he said!
I met with them again today and they insisted the demons were still in the window and that I'd be able to see them. I HIGHLY doubted this but they desperately wanted me to see them so when I was leaving work today I agreed to come to their room and take a look.
People, I'm not very superstitious and don't really beleive in ghosts. I honestly try to believe angels/ghosts/etc but I just can't really. However, this family really wanted me to see their demons.
I mean shit we've already talked about what they look like, their moods, and how often they visit!
So I go in the room trying to will myself into seeing something...trying to convince myself this could be real...yeah that didn't happen. I was literally standing in the middle of my clients unit saying "yeah, oh, I see it", "mm hmm that's definiltey a head", "yeah I see that puppy, uhhuh"
I was the biggest liar in that room but I did not have the heart to tell them I saw NOTHING!
Another staff person, inappropriately, called them crazy and they were very hurt by this!
So this weekend I will be spending some time, no joke, looking up rituals that can be done to keep the demons calm and live in harmony with the family.
This is my job people, helping people live in harmony with their demons, literally and symbolicly.
So I totally put a post up on Tuesday of this week and somehow it didn't show up! Too bad for you all though cuz I'm not typing it again!
Anywho, thank God it's friday friends cuz it's been a lonnnggg week! I had a 20 page paper due this Thursday and I actually had to take off of work on Thursday to finish it because I was so behind! Lesson learned = don't procrastinate! The problem is I've always been a procrastinator and swear I don't know how to finish something early!! I like to tell myself I just work better under pressure :) (PS that's complete bullshit, I'm really just lazy!).
Anyways, this week has also been sucky at work. My last blog was about all the drama at work and my realization that jobs aren't hard because of the job but because of the people you work with.
I've been dealing with people back stabbing, gossiping, misleading, lying, finger pointing, blaming, etc etc etc and I'm very over it. It's so disappointing because I truly do enjoy working with a lot (not all :), but a lot of my clients and it's frustrating when your job is stressful due to co-workers not clients.
I must say though that today was an interesting day at work. I have a family that I work with that I really love. There's a mom who's about 34 with a teenage daughter and son and a younger daughter. They are a pretty easy family to work with...except for one thing...they believe that there are demons in their window. Now they brought this up to me almost a month ago and at first I was like "oh my God are they going crazy?!?!?" I really didn't know what to say or do but luckily a social worker at the shelter met with them a few times and told me he had taken care of it...at least that's what he said!
I met with them again today and they insisted the demons were still in the window and that I'd be able to see them. I HIGHLY doubted this but they desperately wanted me to see them so when I was leaving work today I agreed to come to their room and take a look.
People, I'm not very superstitious and don't really beleive in ghosts. I honestly try to believe angels/ghosts/etc but I just can't really. However, this family really wanted me to see their demons.
I mean shit we've already talked about what they look like, their moods, and how often they visit!
So I go in the room trying to will myself into seeing something...trying to convince myself this could be real...yeah that didn't happen. I was literally standing in the middle of my clients unit saying "yeah, oh, I see it", "mm hmm that's definiltey a head", "yeah I see that puppy, uhhuh"
I was the biggest liar in that room but I did not have the heart to tell them I saw NOTHING!
Another staff person, inappropriately, called them crazy and they were very hurt by this!
So this weekend I will be spending some time, no joke, looking up rituals that can be done to keep the demons calm and live in harmony with the family.
This is my job people, helping people live in harmony with their demons, literally and symbolicly.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Two in One
(NOTE** I wrote this blog on Tuesday but somehow it didn't get posted...so here it is a day late!)
Now that I was able to get thoughts off my chest I'm able to blog about the lighter, crazier events of my life :)
This weekend my mom came to see me which made me very happy! I always welcome visitors ;)
Mom aka "Boo", came in on Friday and left yesterday morning. We spent the weekend shopping and eating :) Friday we stayed around my apartment and went to a local Italian restaurant, named Fiore.
Saturday I woke up and in my still sleepy state pulled a muscle in my neck and swore I was gonna become paralyzed it hurt so bad!! I swear I could not turn my neck to the left even if my life depended on it! I took 4 Ibuprofen and it did nothing! And in my book you know you're hurt if Ibuprofen doesn't do anything for you! Ibuprofen and Benadryl are like my best friends and if they don't work..you and me both are in trouble!
After getting over my fear of being paralyzed we spent the day shopping for our still sparse apartment and eating again, then met Ali in the city to eat at Pastis, a french bistro.
We took the train into the city for dinner Saturday and I realized how good I have gotten with public transportation after using it with Boo, who of course never needs to use public transportation in Indiana!
While using the subway (which is different than the train), of course we saw the usual police officers harassing the drunk, homeless man peeing in the subway station.
I always think when I see these scenes it seems so inhumane. I can't imagine God really appreciates us yelling at another human being for needing warmth in the winter and staying in the only warm PUBLIC space that he can find. Yes God may not agree with the drinking and the peeing, but I think he'd look past it and agree he is entitled to a warm place.
Dinner at Pastis was very good and pretty much my first french food experience. Of course the menu was half french so I was guessing what a lot of things were, Boo and Ali were no help either! We all knew "Oui" and that was it! hahaha
Sunday we spent the day putting together all the things we bought on Saturday and eating some more. We did Indian and NY style pizza on Sunday.
It was a great weekend. Fun. Relaxing. And felt a little more like home having my mom with me.
Sunday night became a little crazy though because I didn't do any of my homework for Monday during the weekend. So Sunday I was rushing to get my statistics hw done and my cultural studies work done. I got most of my work done and got to bed around midnight to wake up again at about 4:45 to take Boo to the airport.
On a Monday Morning NY you never know when you'll hit traffic so we had to leave by 5:30. Luckily I got Boo to the airport by 6 and instead of going back home I had to go to Starbucks..the only place I could think of that would be open at 6am!...and finish up some remaining homework and then go to the lab at school at 7 to finish some hw using software that I'm too poor to buy and put on my own computer.
Finally at 8 I headed to work and was very unproductive at work. I really had one of those days where I thought...damn I'm a bad worker...I couldn't focus or get anything accomplished...now you may be thinking I wasn't a good worker today either because I blogged at work..but hey...you can only improve so much in day.
I also had to write a paper at work on Monday because brilliant me left it on my computer at home and didn't email it to myself. I didn't have time to go back home to get it before class, so I just sat and retyped it! It only had to be a page and luckily it was something I'm opinionated about so I rewrote it quickly!
I had to leave work at 4 on Monday and go to my classes which would get over at 9. I went to my first class and got out a little early so grabbed some much needed hot chocolate at the library...now you may be wondering why I'm bothering to tell you this...but there's a reason.
Obviously I was tired by the time I got to my second class that starts at 7pm, after being up since 4:30am!
Now I was sitting in my class, taking to classmates, waiting for it to start when another girl I know sat down behind me. As I turn around to talk to her, Sarah forgets that our desktops lift up...I blame the tiredness.... and I turn, causing my desk to lift, while simultaneously knocking my practically full, and very needed, hot chocolate ALL OVER the wall and floor. Thank God that I sat next to the wall today..which I normally don't do...or the person next to me would have been a very unhappy, chocolaty person!
The worst part was the people I was sitting around are in my other classes so we know each other and they all start turning around pointing out my spill to me!!!
Well DUH I know I spilled it!!! Hello! I have to go the whole class now without my hot chocolate, and wasted $3!!!
I hurried and went to the bathroom for a huge roll of paper towels and swear I went through half of it. After trying to clean it up I decided I would just leave it and get it after class...bad idea.
The chocolate got...hard, I guess you could say, and the only way to clean it up then was with water...which I was not about to go get!
So I did the best I could to clean it but definitely left a brown mess for the maintenance men...oops!
My day was over though thank the lord and I could go home! I got home and didn't even eat dinner! I just sat mindlessly on the couch for like 30min watching TV, took a shower and passed out!
Now you know I'm tired if I don't care that I'm going to bed hungry!!!!
Now that I was able to get thoughts off my chest I'm able to blog about the lighter, crazier events of my life :)
This weekend my mom came to see me which made me very happy! I always welcome visitors ;)
Mom aka "Boo", came in on Friday and left yesterday morning. We spent the weekend shopping and eating :) Friday we stayed around my apartment and went to a local Italian restaurant, named Fiore.
Saturday I woke up and in my still sleepy state pulled a muscle in my neck and swore I was gonna become paralyzed it hurt so bad!! I swear I could not turn my neck to the left even if my life depended on it! I took 4 Ibuprofen and it did nothing! And in my book you know you're hurt if Ibuprofen doesn't do anything for you! Ibuprofen and Benadryl are like my best friends and if they don't work..you and me both are in trouble!
After getting over my fear of being paralyzed we spent the day shopping for our still sparse apartment and eating again, then met Ali in the city to eat at Pastis, a french bistro.
We took the train into the city for dinner Saturday and I realized how good I have gotten with public transportation after using it with Boo, who of course never needs to use public transportation in Indiana!
While using the subway (which is different than the train), of course we saw the usual police officers harassing the drunk, homeless man peeing in the subway station.
I always think when I see these scenes it seems so inhumane. I can't imagine God really appreciates us yelling at another human being for needing warmth in the winter and staying in the only warm PUBLIC space that he can find. Yes God may not agree with the drinking and the peeing, but I think he'd look past it and agree he is entitled to a warm place.
Dinner at Pastis was very good and pretty much my first french food experience. Of course the menu was half french so I was guessing what a lot of things were, Boo and Ali were no help either! We all knew "Oui" and that was it! hahaha
Sunday we spent the day putting together all the things we bought on Saturday and eating some more. We did Indian and NY style pizza on Sunday.
It was a great weekend. Fun. Relaxing. And felt a little more like home having my mom with me.
Sunday night became a little crazy though because I didn't do any of my homework for Monday during the weekend. So Sunday I was rushing to get my statistics hw done and my cultural studies work done. I got most of my work done and got to bed around midnight to wake up again at about 4:45 to take Boo to the airport.
On a Monday Morning NY you never know when you'll hit traffic so we had to leave by 5:30. Luckily I got Boo to the airport by 6 and instead of going back home I had to go to Starbucks..the only place I could think of that would be open at 6am!...and finish up some remaining homework and then go to the lab at school at 7 to finish some hw using software that I'm too poor to buy and put on my own computer.
Finally at 8 I headed to work and was very unproductive at work. I really had one of those days where I thought...damn I'm a bad worker...I couldn't focus or get anything accomplished...now you may be thinking I wasn't a good worker today either because I blogged at work..but hey...you can only improve so much in day.
I also had to write a paper at work on Monday because brilliant me left it on my computer at home and didn't email it to myself. I didn't have time to go back home to get it before class, so I just sat and retyped it! It only had to be a page and luckily it was something I'm opinionated about so I rewrote it quickly!
I had to leave work at 4 on Monday and go to my classes which would get over at 9. I went to my first class and got out a little early so grabbed some much needed hot chocolate at the library...now you may be wondering why I'm bothering to tell you this...but there's a reason.
Obviously I was tired by the time I got to my second class that starts at 7pm, after being up since 4:30am!
Now I was sitting in my class, taking to classmates, waiting for it to start when another girl I know sat down behind me. As I turn around to talk to her, Sarah forgets that our desktops lift up...I blame the tiredness.... and I turn, causing my desk to lift, while simultaneously knocking my practically full, and very needed, hot chocolate ALL OVER the wall and floor. Thank God that I sat next to the wall today..which I normally don't do...or the person next to me would have been a very unhappy, chocolaty person!
The worst part was the people I was sitting around are in my other classes so we know each other and they all start turning around pointing out my spill to me!!!
Well DUH I know I spilled it!!! Hello! I have to go the whole class now without my hot chocolate, and wasted $3!!!
I hurried and went to the bathroom for a huge roll of paper towels and swear I went through half of it. After trying to clean it up I decided I would just leave it and get it after class...bad idea.
The chocolate got...hard, I guess you could say, and the only way to clean it up then was with water...which I was not about to go get!
So I did the best I could to clean it but definitely left a brown mess for the maintenance men...oops!
My day was over though thank the lord and I could go home! I got home and didn't even eat dinner! I just sat mindlessly on the couch for like 30min watching TV, took a shower and passed out!
Now you know I'm tired if I don't care that I'm going to bed hungry!!!!
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
I'm being bad....
and blogging at work! I can't help it though, Sometimes you've got stuff on your mind and just gotta blog ;) hahaha
So I have to admit I started writing yesterday and I never posted it because it just didn't feel write. It was a very negative, angry blog. Although I can be loud and talkative, I still don't always know how I want to express what I'm feeling. I'm a "thinker" and dwell often on my thoughts and feelings. Poetry as become one outlet for me to express myself, through writing and reading it.
This is a poem I saw today and wanted to share:
LISTEN
When I ask you to listen to me,
And you start giving advice,
You have not done what I asked.
When I ask you to listen to me,
And you begin to tell me why I shouldn’t feel that way,
You are trampling on my feelings.
When I ask you to listen to me,
And you feel you have to do something to solve my problem,
You have failed me, strange as that may seem.
Listen! All I asked was that you listen,
Not talk or do – just hear me.
Advice is cheap: 10 cents will get you both Dear Abby and Billy Graham in the same newspaper.
And I can do for myself; I’m not helpless.
Maybe discouraged and faltering, but not helpless.
When you do something for me that I can and need to do for myself,
You contribute to my fear and weakness.
But when you accept as a simple fact that I do feel what I feel,
No matter how irrational, then I can quit trying to convince you and get about the business of understanding what’s behind this irrational feeling.
And when that’s clear, the answers are obvious, and I don’t need advice.
Irrational feelings make sense when we understand what’s behind them.
Perhaps that’s why prayer works, sometimes, for some people –
Because God is mute, and He doesn’t give advice or try to fix things.
Prayers just listen and let you work it out for yourself.
So, please listen and just hear me. And if you want to talk, wait a minute for your turn,
And I’ll listen to you.
- Anonymous
I love this poem. I often feel unheard, partially due to my own fault of poor explaining, however I think everyone, including myself needs to remember the gift of listening.
I can related to this poem for many many reasons, but one of those many is the fact that most people I know and love are not able to understand the stress and strain of living in a large city because they never have! I think people notice changes in me and I feel criticized when these changes are mentioned, but at the fault of them and me, the reasons for the changes have not been explained.
I am a naturally very passive and easy going person, but I cannot be my natural self at all times in this city. If you want to be a passive and easy going person in a large city you must also be willing to be stepped on and treated very poorly at times.
I am no longer allowed to be always be my natural self now, passive and easy going. I am forced to be aggressive and very vocal and let's just say it, at times a bitch in this large city. Crowds bring out the worst in people and I live in one big crowd.
So one last thing, although it is not normally in my nature to be aggressive, remember this - It is never wrong to let you voice be heard, even if you haven't normally had this quality in the past; and you never know what your actions would be when assualted with aggression and rudeness on a daily basis, faced with the fact that you must fight against who you naturally are, so that you will not be disrepected and treated as a lesser.
So I have to admit I started writing yesterday and I never posted it because it just didn't feel write. It was a very negative, angry blog. Although I can be loud and talkative, I still don't always know how I want to express what I'm feeling. I'm a "thinker" and dwell often on my thoughts and feelings. Poetry as become one outlet for me to express myself, through writing and reading it.
This is a poem I saw today and wanted to share:
LISTEN
When I ask you to listen to me,
And you start giving advice,
You have not done what I asked.
When I ask you to listen to me,
And you begin to tell me why I shouldn’t feel that way,
You are trampling on my feelings.
When I ask you to listen to me,
And you feel you have to do something to solve my problem,
You have failed me, strange as that may seem.
Listen! All I asked was that you listen,
Not talk or do – just hear me.
Advice is cheap: 10 cents will get you both Dear Abby and Billy Graham in the same newspaper.
And I can do for myself; I’m not helpless.
Maybe discouraged and faltering, but not helpless.
When you do something for me that I can and need to do for myself,
You contribute to my fear and weakness.
But when you accept as a simple fact that I do feel what I feel,
No matter how irrational, then I can quit trying to convince you and get about the business of understanding what’s behind this irrational feeling.
And when that’s clear, the answers are obvious, and I don’t need advice.
Irrational feelings make sense when we understand what’s behind them.
Perhaps that’s why prayer works, sometimes, for some people –
Because God is mute, and He doesn’t give advice or try to fix things.
Prayers just listen and let you work it out for yourself.
So, please listen and just hear me. And if you want to talk, wait a minute for your turn,
And I’ll listen to you.
- Anonymous
I love this poem. I often feel unheard, partially due to my own fault of poor explaining, however I think everyone, including myself needs to remember the gift of listening.
I can related to this poem for many many reasons, but one of those many is the fact that most people I know and love are not able to understand the stress and strain of living in a large city because they never have! I think people notice changes in me and I feel criticized when these changes are mentioned, but at the fault of them and me, the reasons for the changes have not been explained.
I am a naturally very passive and easy going person, but I cannot be my natural self at all times in this city. If you want to be a passive and easy going person in a large city you must also be willing to be stepped on and treated very poorly at times.
I am no longer allowed to be always be my natural self now, passive and easy going. I am forced to be aggressive and very vocal and let's just say it, at times a bitch in this large city. Crowds bring out the worst in people and I live in one big crowd.
So one last thing, although it is not normally in my nature to be aggressive, remember this - It is never wrong to let you voice be heard, even if you haven't normally had this quality in the past; and you never know what your actions would be when assualted with aggression and rudeness on a daily basis, faced with the fact that you must fight against who you naturally are, so that you will not be disrepected and treated as a lesser.
Thursday, November 6, 2008
Not the best of days..
So today was not my best day.
Today is my late day at work, so I go in around 10-10:30 and leave about 6. I decided to use this morning to get some of my stats homework done at school before I went into work. I have to use the computers at school because I don't have the software on my computer because it's sooo expensive.
So this morning I woke up late of course. I didnt' get out of the house until like 9:20! But I really wanted to get my hw done...so I decided to still go to school.
Now starts the list of things gone wrong today.
Number 1, I left my coffee on the counter at home. Now this sounds stupid but I have gotten to the point where I have to have coffee in the morning. I'm trying to safe money right now so I had to live without coffee, which annoyed me.
Number 2, it was raining today so traffic is ALWAYS bad when it's raining. So it took longer to get to school than normal, so this added to my lateness.
Number 3, Due to crappy weather more people drive to school and take up the "close" parking lot, so by the time I got to school it was full. I had to park in the parking lot that is about as far as you can get from the computer lab.
Number 4, I get to the computer lab and realize I don't have the information I need to do my homework! Biggest annoyance of the day by far. I was more than annoyed. I was pissed!! At this point it was also 10:20, which meant there was no way in hell I was going to be to work by 10:30 even.
Number 5, As I'm leaving the computer lab to bust my butt to work it begins to pour. Now when I say pour I mean it was like damn torrential rains! I was SOAKED. My hair looked like I had just gotten out of the shower by the time I got to my car.
Now of course because I'm running so insanely late already, I couldn't go back home and change. So I had to go to work complete soaked, hair, shoes, pants everything.
Number 6, I get to work at almost 11am, and what does that mean...I have to stay at work until 7pm! It gets dark here by about 4:30-5 now, so to stay at work until 7pm feels like it's 10pm at night!
This is not the way to start a day friends. My day at work was fairly uneventful thiank God considering my morning.
TGIF Friends, TGIF
Today is my late day at work, so I go in around 10-10:30 and leave about 6. I decided to use this morning to get some of my stats homework done at school before I went into work. I have to use the computers at school because I don't have the software on my computer because it's sooo expensive.
So this morning I woke up late of course. I didnt' get out of the house until like 9:20! But I really wanted to get my hw done...so I decided to still go to school.
Now starts the list of things gone wrong today.
Number 1, I left my coffee on the counter at home. Now this sounds stupid but I have gotten to the point where I have to have coffee in the morning. I'm trying to safe money right now so I had to live without coffee, which annoyed me.
Number 2, it was raining today so traffic is ALWAYS bad when it's raining. So it took longer to get to school than normal, so this added to my lateness.
Number 3, Due to crappy weather more people drive to school and take up the "close" parking lot, so by the time I got to school it was full. I had to park in the parking lot that is about as far as you can get from the computer lab.
Number 4, I get to the computer lab and realize I don't have the information I need to do my homework! Biggest annoyance of the day by far. I was more than annoyed. I was pissed!! At this point it was also 10:20, which meant there was no way in hell I was going to be to work by 10:30 even.
Number 5, As I'm leaving the computer lab to bust my butt to work it begins to pour. Now when I say pour I mean it was like damn torrential rains! I was SOAKED. My hair looked like I had just gotten out of the shower by the time I got to my car.
Now of course because I'm running so insanely late already, I couldn't go back home and change. So I had to go to work complete soaked, hair, shoes, pants everything.
Number 6, I get to work at almost 11am, and what does that mean...I have to stay at work until 7pm! It gets dark here by about 4:30-5 now, so to stay at work until 7pm feels like it's 10pm at night!
This is not the way to start a day friends. My day at work was fairly uneventful thiank God considering my morning.
TGIF Friends, TGIF
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
GO OBAMA!
Hey all!
So I know not everyone that reads this will be thrilled with the turnout of yesterday's election but I am very excited! :)
I hope everyone voted yesterday! No matter what, it was an historic election that everyone should have been a part of!
It was super easy for me to vote...much easier than I thought it would be. I was in and out in 15 minutes. I had to do a paper ballot due to my address change being so close to election day but that's okay, I still got my vote in!
My week has been very interesting so far. On Monday I had to go meet with the head of the Sociology Dept, Dr Esposito, at school to discuss my plan for the remaining time of my masters. Going into the meeting I really thought that we would discuss my classes and how I could start some independent research. I thought that I would drop down to 2 classes a semester so that I would graduate in Spring 2010 and starting in the fall of 2009 I would start independent research.
Gosh if I had only known what Dr Esposito had in mind for me....
Dr Esposito pretty much told me that if I don't become more involved in the department I'm not going to get into the PhD programs that I want to apply to. Most of the schools that I am applying to are in the list of top 25 programs in the nation. They will be VERY hard to get into, so if I really want to get into one of them I have to do a lot more than I'm doing right now.
So pretty much what she told me I need to do is stop working, take a graduate assistantship starting in January working closely with a professor, in the fall of 2009 try to get a job doing research, retake my GREs, take a class to do better on my GREs, take a full course load (4 classes) and do everything I can to become fully immersed in the department. I won't be able to do independent research due to the fact that I don't have enough, well really any, experience doing research. She said I won't be approved by the department.
So pretty much I left the meeting realizing that I will have to make some major changes to get into a good program.
I didn't start this masters to just waste it. I started this masters, and I'm going into debt because of this masters, so that I can get into a good PhD program.
I have to do whatever it takes to get into a program.
So needless to say my life is going to change come January. I will become a full time student again. I will be working as an assistant to a professor and no longer working full time. I'll be finding a part time job to get by. I won't have to pay for school any longer because grad assistants get a tuition waiver. The loans that I would normally get to pay for classes I will be living on.
Although I'm nervous about having a new apartment and making the decision to stop working, I know this is what I need to do.
Okay time for tv and homemade hot chocolate :)
So I know not everyone that reads this will be thrilled with the turnout of yesterday's election but I am very excited! :)
I hope everyone voted yesterday! No matter what, it was an historic election that everyone should have been a part of!
It was super easy for me to vote...much easier than I thought it would be. I was in and out in 15 minutes. I had to do a paper ballot due to my address change being so close to election day but that's okay, I still got my vote in!
My week has been very interesting so far. On Monday I had to go meet with the head of the Sociology Dept, Dr Esposito, at school to discuss my plan for the remaining time of my masters. Going into the meeting I really thought that we would discuss my classes and how I could start some independent research. I thought that I would drop down to 2 classes a semester so that I would graduate in Spring 2010 and starting in the fall of 2009 I would start independent research.
Gosh if I had only known what Dr Esposito had in mind for me....
Dr Esposito pretty much told me that if I don't become more involved in the department I'm not going to get into the PhD programs that I want to apply to. Most of the schools that I am applying to are in the list of top 25 programs in the nation. They will be VERY hard to get into, so if I really want to get into one of them I have to do a lot more than I'm doing right now.
So pretty much what she told me I need to do is stop working, take a graduate assistantship starting in January working closely with a professor, in the fall of 2009 try to get a job doing research, retake my GREs, take a class to do better on my GREs, take a full course load (4 classes) and do everything I can to become fully immersed in the department. I won't be able to do independent research due to the fact that I don't have enough, well really any, experience doing research. She said I won't be approved by the department.
So pretty much I left the meeting realizing that I will have to make some major changes to get into a good program.
I didn't start this masters to just waste it. I started this masters, and I'm going into debt because of this masters, so that I can get into a good PhD program.
I have to do whatever it takes to get into a program.
So needless to say my life is going to change come January. I will become a full time student again. I will be working as an assistant to a professor and no longer working full time. I'll be finding a part time job to get by. I won't have to pay for school any longer because grad assistants get a tuition waiver. The loans that I would normally get to pay for classes I will be living on.
Although I'm nervous about having a new apartment and making the decision to stop working, I know this is what I need to do.
Okay time for tv and homemade hot chocolate :)
Sunday, November 2, 2008
It may be illegal to drive while eating a donut.....
Hey All!
I'm sitting in my apartment finally feeling like it's starting to look like home!
As many of you know we have not had any furniture and it's been tough trying to see this apartment as home due to it being very empty. My boss gave us a great love seat this weekend that fits perfectly in our living room and along with a seat from my sister and Reena's brother our living room is usable now!!
I am also beginning to cook for the first time really. In Bloomington I never really took the time to cook and now I'm really excited and eager. I made chicken a la king tonight. It's a pretty easy meal (a gravy with chicken, green pepper and mushroom with chicken over mashed potatoes) but Reena said it was VERY good :) I was proud my first attempt came out well.
The end of my week was busy and eventful at work so it was nice to have a weekend to organize the apartment a little more and just spend some time here. This is the first Sunday I feel like I have fully spent here!
I can't even begin to tell you all the events from the end of my week...but here are a few events.
On Saturday I finally got my oil changed. I desperately needed to get this done, I just hadn't taken the time or wanted to pay for it. While I was trying to pay for my oil change, I could sense a group of people staring at me. Finally a little girl says to me "Are you on TV?". I just laughed in her face. It was probably not the right reaction but I was just kind of like "what"!?!?!". I realized it was a family standing there and the mother was like, "You look so familiar, we're trying to figure out who you look like". Then the guy behind the counter thinks he needs to chime in and says "yeah you do look like somebody on TV, I just don't know who". All I could think was, "Yeah you don't know who because I don't look like ANYONE on TV!!!" It was kinda sweet though...I think.
I also got pulled over today :) I went to Staten Island last night and when I was leaving to come back to Queens this morning I realized the bridge I take to get off Staten Island was closed for the NYC marathon. Now I can't really explain to anyone the route I had to take to get to Queens, because no one will understand what I mean, but just know that I had to drive through Manhattan. Now normally I would NOT drive though the city because it is hell most of the time, but on a Sunday morning it's perfectly fine, well in terms of NYC driving! :) So I'm driving through the city on 42nd St, listening to my cheesy folk music and eating a donut, when a cop comes running up to my car screaming "Ma'am pull over to the right, pull over to the right!". Now I'm sitting at a light as he's screaming this at me, so I knew I didn't run a red light and I wasn't speeding. I honestly thought he was going to maybe yell at me for eating my donut!! So I pull over, roll down my window and the cop says "Ma'am do you know that in the state of New York it's illegal to not wear a seat belt.". Now picture me with my jaw dropped and just staring at the cop like "Are you crazy". I had my seat belt on! I always drive with it on, however, I don't always have the top part of the seat belt across my chest because it cuts across my neck and really starts to annoy me. So after looking at the cop like he's crazy, I say "I do have it on! See!" and I pull at the seat belt across my waist. Luckily, he backs up and reluctantly says, okay your good to go. But as I pull away with my heart racing I put the top part over my chest and made a mental note that I'm going to have to buy one of those cushiony things that stubby people like me need. I was also relieved he didn't make a comment about my donut :)
Although I could give other stories from the last few days I better go to bed. Reena and I spent from about 10am-6pm today organizing, cleaning, grocery shopping etc and so I'm beat.
Night All
Love
Sarah
I'm sitting in my apartment finally feeling like it's starting to look like home!
As many of you know we have not had any furniture and it's been tough trying to see this apartment as home due to it being very empty. My boss gave us a great love seat this weekend that fits perfectly in our living room and along with a seat from my sister and Reena's brother our living room is usable now!!
I am also beginning to cook for the first time really. In Bloomington I never really took the time to cook and now I'm really excited and eager. I made chicken a la king tonight. It's a pretty easy meal (a gravy with chicken, green pepper and mushroom with chicken over mashed potatoes) but Reena said it was VERY good :) I was proud my first attempt came out well.
The end of my week was busy and eventful at work so it was nice to have a weekend to organize the apartment a little more and just spend some time here. This is the first Sunday I feel like I have fully spent here!
I can't even begin to tell you all the events from the end of my week...but here are a few events.
On Saturday I finally got my oil changed. I desperately needed to get this done, I just hadn't taken the time or wanted to pay for it. While I was trying to pay for my oil change, I could sense a group of people staring at me. Finally a little girl says to me "Are you on TV?". I just laughed in her face. It was probably not the right reaction but I was just kind of like "what"!?!?!". I realized it was a family standing there and the mother was like, "You look so familiar, we're trying to figure out who you look like". Then the guy behind the counter thinks he needs to chime in and says "yeah you do look like somebody on TV, I just don't know who". All I could think was, "Yeah you don't know who because I don't look like ANYONE on TV!!!" It was kinda sweet though...I think.
I also got pulled over today :) I went to Staten Island last night and when I was leaving to come back to Queens this morning I realized the bridge I take to get off Staten Island was closed for the NYC marathon. Now I can't really explain to anyone the route I had to take to get to Queens, because no one will understand what I mean, but just know that I had to drive through Manhattan. Now normally I would NOT drive though the city because it is hell most of the time, but on a Sunday morning it's perfectly fine, well in terms of NYC driving! :) So I'm driving through the city on 42nd St, listening to my cheesy folk music and eating a donut, when a cop comes running up to my car screaming "Ma'am pull over to the right, pull over to the right!". Now I'm sitting at a light as he's screaming this at me, so I knew I didn't run a red light and I wasn't speeding. I honestly thought he was going to maybe yell at me for eating my donut!! So I pull over, roll down my window and the cop says "Ma'am do you know that in the state of New York it's illegal to not wear a seat belt.". Now picture me with my jaw dropped and just staring at the cop like "Are you crazy". I had my seat belt on! I always drive with it on, however, I don't always have the top part of the seat belt across my chest because it cuts across my neck and really starts to annoy me. So after looking at the cop like he's crazy, I say "I do have it on! See!" and I pull at the seat belt across my waist. Luckily, he backs up and reluctantly says, okay your good to go. But as I pull away with my heart racing I put the top part over my chest and made a mental note that I'm going to have to buy one of those cushiony things that stubby people like me need. I was also relieved he didn't make a comment about my donut :)
Although I could give other stories from the last few days I better go to bed. Reena and I spent from about 10am-6pm today organizing, cleaning, grocery shopping etc and so I'm beat.
Night All
Love
Sarah
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