Opps...has it really been that long?!?!?

So I think I just forgot for a while that I have a blog!! It's not that I haven't had time over the last month...it really is that I've just been forgetting to blog!

I've even been doing blog-worthy things!!

To give everyone a little recap, I started by graduate assistanceship (GA) at St Johns and have officially left my job. My GA has been a little disapppointing though. I have been assigned to 3 professors, which initially sounds great, right!?!? Well the reason I was assigned to 3 is because none of them really need me. One of them has given me 2 VERY easy things to do so far.
So I'm sad that it hasn't turned into something more useful, although it has given me lots of time to study and will still look good for graduate school.

This last weekend I spent upstate with Rach because Isaac has been sick and just wanted to help Rach out with the kids.
I am actaully attaching a few pics I took while I was up there too! I figure I gotta do somethings special since It's been wayyy to long since I've been to blogville!!


This is a picture of lovely Howie sitting on top of the couch. No one really loves Howie anymore so I plan to "adopt" him once I live where I can have a dog!













This is a picture of me babysitting Sophie. This is when she refused to put her pants back on after being changed and locking me out of the living room!














This is how I babysit...just kidding ;)













Here's the little man!












Opps I almost forgot Huey!!




Sadly I don't have any of me, Rach, or Jas!

In about two weeks I will though cuz I'm headin' back upstate for the little man's b-day!!

Confrontation

So I don't like confrontation.

I like confrontation so little that I couldn't even remember how to spell it and had to look it up to put it in this blog!! No joke!!

This is my last week at my job. I am leaving to become a graduate assistant to a professor at St. John's. This will be soooo helpful when it comes to applying to PhD programs but it has been very awkward and uncomfortable leaving my job...especially due to all the confrontational conversations I've been forced into (or just avoided lately) with my co-workers, superiors or clients.

I'm also not good at good byes. I hate saying good bye. I think this is somewhat normal but still it's not healthy.

Due to my hate of confrontation and dreading of good byes I avoid a lot of people, conversations and topics. I'm just starting to realize how bad this is for myself.
I realize how much stress and anxiety this adds to my life. Instead of addressing something and putting an end to it, I let it fester and continue to eat me. For example, I have not discussed my leaving with the program director at the shelter I work at. Now of course I told the supervisor right above me and she told him, however I have not gone to him and had a conversation about this. Now why one might ask, have I not gone to him. Mainly because I don't feel I connect with him in any way, shape or form and I think he'll make the conversation uncomfortable for me. So, instead of just getting the conversation over with, I have avoided him to the point that my supervisor has told me I must meet with him tomorrow. I've also avoided co-workers that I know are going to give me a hard time for leaving or the clients I work with that are going to go ape shit on me when I tell them. I avoid. Way. Too. Much.

Another of my New Years resolutions is definitely going to be to stop avoiding confrontation and instead push myself into it.

I hurt myself more than anyone else by my avoiding behavior. And I know my avoiding behavior confuses others. How could it not be confusing for people when I avoid them or a situation and they don't know why.


PS My sister came to the city this past weekend and it was so fun!!! However because I'm waiting for pictures to get put on a CD so I can upload them to my computer, I'm going to wait to tell you all about it til the pics are ready!!!

Namaste! Aap kaise hain?

That's Hindi!
It means Hi, How are you? Now besides that I can say "accha" - which means yes however it can mean more than just a general yes, it can also mean: good, oh, really?!?!, ah I see...etc etc...so I still get confused when I use it how someone knows what I'm trying to say exactly! hahahaha
I can also say:
no - nahi
cheese - paneer
spinach - mutter
lentils - dal
ok - thik hai
potato - aaloo

That's all I've got hahahaa!! I know that knowing how to say cheese, spinach, lentils and potato aren't the most useful words but I'm workin' on it!

Have I really gotten this bad?!?!?!

Wow has it really been this long since I've blogged!!!

One of my New Year's resolutions is to improve my blog! One way I'm going to 'improve" it is by doing shorter blogs. Now I know what some of you are thinking...how is that a good thing?!?!? Well so that I will be a more successful and frequent blogger the blogs need to be a smidge shorter....the pressure to write a book every time is just to great...and it makes me blog less...so shorter (but hopefully just as good of blogs) are on the way :)!

In the spirit of New Year's resolutions here a few of my other goals for the year...and yes some are cliche and so unoriginal :)

1. Do a better job staying in touch with distant friends
2. Lose weight and become healthier (this is one of those unoriginal goals :)
3. Plan a vacation overseas (thinkin' India kids)
4. Read at least 6 books this year
5. Organize the gazillion pictures I have sitting in a box under my bed
6. Try to get closer with Ali's mom
7. Become more organized (I think I'd be a little more relaxed if I didn't have hidden messes and used a calender more!)
8. Take pictures (this is something I want to add to my blog a lot more!!)
9. Re-take my GRE's and do well! :)
10. Take a writing course (this is more for grad school than a deep desire to improve myself!)
11. Begin to learn Hindi (Rosetta Stone should totally be cheaper though man!!)
12. Apply to graduate school
13. Make a list of all the sites I want to see in New York City and see them :)

Not a bad list right?!?!

Ok now to keep with my goal :) this is it for tonight friends! I'll be back tomorrow with another short but wonderful blog!

Support Systems

I know it's been a while! I've been so busy trying to get done with finals and I finished this last Monday! Hallelujah!!

And here I am blogging again at work. :)
However I just met one of my new clients and it was one of the hardest meetings I've ever had with a client.

I had to hold back the tears. I wanted to so desperately give her a hug and tell her everything would be okay but that can't be my role. I have to save that role for her mother or sister. I am her advocate, not her friend.

CD was living in her own apartment making about $4,000 a month working at the same job for the past 11 years. Which by NYC standards is not a lot but you can definitely make it work. She lost her job this last April and hasn't been able to get back on her feet. She was staying with her mother up until recently but her mother's apartment is very small and just couldn't fit CD and her 5 kids. People were sleeping on the floor and it was not a good long term solution. Without having other family members with the means to support her, her only option was to enter the homeless system.

What really struck me was that this could be someone I know. We sat here and spoke just as though we were two people that meet walking down the street. I don't typically have those types of conversations with my clients. With most of my clients there is too much of a cultural gap for us to have that type of connection.

What also touched me was that she reminded me of someone I would meet at home in Indiana. She had such a nice demeanor and didn't have that rough, aggressive approach. She was just like a nice, approachable Hoosier. She actually reminded me of someone I worked with in Bloomington.

It was so hard to sit here and see a mother trying to hide her tears from her son as she tells me she about how she's gone from having everything to nothing in just a few months. And now she's at the hands of a very unpleasant woman at the Dept of Homeless Services (DHS) to determine whether or not she will be allowed to stay in the shelter system. Every family that goes to DHS and states they are homeless is investigated, and a case worker in the department gets the ultimate say...and it sounds at though CD happened to get a case manager that just doesn't care.

I've really been struggling a lot lately with my financial situation. I feel overwhelmed every time I think about the cost of living out here, my income and the student loans I'm racking up. I can't even begin to describe how much I worry about this.

But I feel like God needed me to meet CD today. I needed to be reminded I am ok. I have an apartment. I have the financial means to survive. And most importantly if everything fell apart and I had no money, I know have numerous family members and freinds I could turn to in a heartbeat. I would never be homeless. Not because I would never be financially broken, because anybody could, but I have the support system that would never allow me to be homeless.

As Americans, including myself, we always think that it's finances that cause homelessness, and yes it is a part, but another large part of homelessness is not having a strong support system either. Not having good relationships with family. Having family but having family that's so financially stapped and strained they can't support one more person.

I am blessed. I am so blessed. Not because of my financial status, since that can always be taken from me, but from what I will never lose - my friends and family. I realized today I have much more security than I thought.

God gave me a new perspective today.

Randomness

Yes I am sitting at work blogging. I can't help it. I have no motivation for work and my computer is sitting right here in front of me, calling me to do something I shouldn't be doing. I just need to get it out of my system and then I'll be able to work...hopefully :)

It's funny I don't even have anything super important to share....I just feel like sharing, so here are some random tidbits...

I have made a decision recently that I am very excited about...I'm getting a bunny!!!
I can't get a dog right now because they aren't allowed in my apartment and they are a lot of work in the beginning with training etc, so I've decided I want a bunny. I desperately want something cuddly to take care and a rabbit is perfect. I have made it clear to Ali I want a bunny and I"m hoping maybe he'll get it for me for Christmas...otherwise it will still be about 2 months until I can save enough extra money for the cage and everything the bunny needs. Sad it would take that long isn't it!

Also I've been thinking about bangs...I would like opinions...who thinks I'd look good with bangs? I've been straightening my hair, but even with some curl they might be okay..right?!?!

I am also going to start making my own jewelry!!!!! I'm so pumped (Gosh remember when that word used to be cooler :) I got the idea while shopping with my mom after Thanksgiving. So much jewelry is way over priced and not that hard to make. I"m going to go into Manahattan in the next couple weeks and go to a beads store to try to buy everything I need to get started. I'm just hoping things won't be outrageously expensive, otherwise I may wait until I'm home for Christmas and buy it all in Indiana!

Also here is a little quiz that I found on a friends blog and thought was fun :)

Sitting: In my office at my messy desk.
Smelling: My own perfume..there's still a small hint of it :)
Listening: to the traffic outside my office window and the kids talking in the hallway.
Drinking: nothing but really wishing I had some coffee. I gave it up because coffee seems to always make me sick...but I'm thinking of splurging and getting some on my way to my 7pm class! Hey you gotta stay awake some how!
Reading: The Commercialization fo Intimate Life by Arlie Hochschild. Great Sociologist. Great book. Read it.
Loving: That I get to go back to Indiana in less than 3 weeks.
Dreading Writing 2 more looonnngg papers and taking a stats test in the next 2 weeks.
Eagerly: Waiting for it to be 6:34 so that I can clock out of work!
Worrying: About all the loans I'm racking up.
Wishing: I'd get to see some snow soon.
Praying: My stress level will decrease after December 18th when I turn in my last paper for school.
Grateful: I can take off my uncomfortable work pants soon! hahaha
Sharing: my thoughts ;)

Ok all...back to work :)

Insanity

So I have been trying to get a blog up for about the last week and a half, it's just been so hectic I really haven't had time to sit and write...although a lot has been going on!

This last weekend I of course went home for Thanksgiving. It was a much needed break from school, work, and New York in general. I've decided though that going home is hard though. I train myself out here in New York. I prepare myself to be tough and aggressive, to deal with the traffic, everything that's overpriced, the fast pace, the rough and rude people...everything...I prepare myself for it all...and then I go home. When I go home all this preparation disappears. Everything is easy and CALM again. I don't feel stress and anxiety. I feel comfortable and like everything will be okay. I don't feel like I have to anticipate anything. I don't have to prepare, due to the anticipation of a rude person, or a traffic jam, or a cost I can't afford. There's no extra preparations in Indiana...I just live.

Then I come back to New York and I experience shock all over again and have to adjust again. Once I'm in New York for a little while I can get myself used to everything (or at least numb myself to it) and feel like I get myself trained enough to deal...and then I go home and lose it all, then when I come back i'm a basket case for the next week. That's the stage I'm in right now.

Let me explain the difference with examples though my friends...

While I was home for Thanksgiving I spent all my time with family. On Wednesday I met my best friend and we had dinner and a movie...there was no need to rush. We were able to get to the movie when it started, no problems, no worries about traffic being bad or a long line.
Thanksgiving I spent at my grandparents house with my dad's side of the family. It was a great day, but very sad. I feel a lot of guilt being so far from my grandparents right now. My grandpa is not in good health and it scares me. I am scared to my core that something will happen before I can move back home. I have learned my lesson in appreciating your family while you have them near you. I regret more than anything that I did not visit my grandparents more often when I had the chance. This reason alone made it hard to come back to New York. I knwow that I have to finish school, but it was hard being home and picturing how great it would be to see my grandparents frequently and spend family nights together. It makes me breakdown just thinking about it. I can't help but feel I'm missing out on time with my family.

On Friday mom and I went shopping. Now neither me or mom does crowds, however this would be our only time to go Christmas shopping together...so it was then or never. Surprisingly it was fine though. It was better than a normal day of shopping in New York!!! Now that says something!!! Everyone was soooo friendly too. I was in shock all day that all of the cashiers ands sales people were friendly and courteous. Our waitress was even friendly. So much to the point that it was annoying mom but I was soaking every ounce of it up my friends!!! Even the woman at Panera was great! At Panera they took a little extra time to make my tea and the woman making it apologized and brought me my tea personally!!!!!!! This DOES NOT happen in New York. Let me just tell you what would happen in New York. The woman in New York would take even longer to make it, she'd set it on the counter and be annoyed that I wasn't standing there to take it off her counter. Then if I didn't come get it fast enough she'd YELL a chai latte is ready :) This people, is the difference.

Saturday I spent another day with family, my mom's side. We went out to dinner and then went back to our house and played Catch Phrase. This is the funnest game!!
I have decided that I love games and I am going to force friends and family to play games any chance I can. I even had mom buy me dominos and Fact or Crap for me for Christmas. I also bought myself Phase 10 recently...another great one my friends.

Anyways after my wonderful time at home, full of calmness and relaxation, I had to head back to New York. When I left for home last Wednesday it only took me a little over 11 hours to get home...so I figured about 11 hours to get back to New York. This was my big mistake. I had already let me guard down and forgotten, you DON'T make that kind of assumption with a city like New York.

Anyways, I left Indiana at 7am and thought I'd be back to New York by no later than 6:30pm, which isn't a bad time. So I start my drive and got through Indiana and Ohio with no problems. Then I hit Pennsylvania. This is were the traffic begins! First I hit horrible traffic because the weather wasn't great and so cars were driving extra slow...so I drove at about 10mph for about 45mins to an hour. I got stuck twice in Pennsylvania with this bad traffic. This added on extra time right away. I then got to New Jersey and shockingly got thru NJ with no problems..this is a huge shocker since NJ can be just as bad as New York. Then I get to New York. Now at this point I've already tacked on about 2 extra hours. It's about 8pm. I'm exhausted from sitting in extra traffic and the stress of driving by myself in general. As I'm getting to New York the traffic becomes my worst nightmare. There are signs everywhere warning of 60-75 minutes delays just to get over bridges!!! This is a major traffic jam people. So for me to get all the way to my apartment would have taken AT LEAST another 2 hours! So I chose Staten Island instead. I decided I'd stay at Ali's just to get out of my car and be done with the drive. Even this option was not that great though. To get across the Outer Bridge took 45 minutes...this bridge is less than a mile long people! No matter what I was going to have to cross a bridge but believe it or not, Staten Island was the closest and shortest option.

Then my Monday started....
Monday I had to be to work by 7:45 because I have to leave early since I have class at 4:40. I got to work at 8:20.
I was also completely exhausted because although I didn't get to work on time my alarm was still going off starting at 6:15. Even my boss told me I looked out of it.

I instantly dealt with someone nasty at work as well. I had to call a social services agency and the woman I got on the phone will just be called Ms McNasty. Due to my already very tired, and not excited to be back in New York City self, I decided to hang up on Ms McNasty. May not have been the best idea but I couldn't do it. I couldn't go from the pleasantness of Indiana to the harshness of New York that quickly...I just couldn't brush it off and make that adjustment right away...my guard went down too much while I was in Indiana. So then I sat at work and cried for a while. I cried due to my insane level of homesickness and overwhelming desire to just pack up and go home, to forget school and everything else... Obviously I later had a more sane moment, knowing I had to finish school and not let a stupid city get the best of me...or let all the Ms McNasty's make me cry.

For my lunch hour at work I ended up going to school to complete my homework that I couldn't do earlier because I dont' have the computer software....so this means that I didn't get lunch.

I then got back to work and had to leave a few hours later to go back to school.
I went to school with no problems and came home but than had a realization.
I lost my passport.
I discovered this because I have some paperwork that I need to fill out for school and to provide identification I can show my passport as an option. So Monday night I'm looking for it and I can't find it anywhere! So it's 9pm at night. I'm hungry, exhausted, and experiencing a rudeness shock all over again and then I realize I've lost a very important piece of identification. I looked everywhere I could think of and decided it was a lost cause.
I just went to bed.

Thank God I woke up today feeling much more rested!! I felt a little more able to cope with this crazy city that I live it. I went to work and was able to get through the day with no craziness. I then get home and realize...hmmmm...I don't know where my camera is either. I become hysterical. I search the apartment for like 30minutes trying to now find my passport and camera. I call my sister, Ali, and my parents leaving them messages telling them there's a crisis...Sarah's lost her camera and passport. Ali is the only one that answers the phone. I cry to him for a while and decide that I need to just go take a hot shower and try to not think about this for a while. Before I get in I decide to take my inhalor...all this anxiety I can't freakin' breath. As I set my inhalor down I look at my purse sitting at my feet and notice a zipper on the back of my purse....and then I almost shit myself. I open the zipper pocket and there's my camera and passport. I had purposely put them there so that no one could see them in my very loose, often open purse.
Please tell me that somebody else has put things in a place you think no one else will find and then you yourself forgets that special place you put them?!??!?

What a day. What a week. I'm still glad I got to go home. I have to get these little tastes of home to ground myself and remember that life here is a rarity and most Americans do not live this way. If only New Yorker's would catch on......

FYI I can't see demons

Hola Familia y Amigos,

So I totally put a post up on Tuesday of this week and somehow it didn't show up! Too bad for you all though cuz I'm not typing it again!

Anywho, thank God it's friday friends cuz it's been a lonnnggg week! I had a 20 page paper due this Thursday and I actually had to take off of work on Thursday to finish it because I was so behind! Lesson learned = don't procrastinate! The problem is I've always been a procrastinator and swear I don't know how to finish something early!! I like to tell myself I just work better under pressure :) (PS that's complete bullshit, I'm really just lazy!).

Anyways, this week has also been sucky at work. My last blog was about all the drama at work and my realization that jobs aren't hard because of the job but because of the people you work with.

I've been dealing with people back stabbing, gossiping, misleading, lying, finger pointing, blaming, etc etc etc and I'm very over it. It's so disappointing because I truly do enjoy working with a lot (not all :), but a lot of my clients and it's frustrating when your job is stressful due to co-workers not clients.

I must say though that today was an interesting day at work. I have a family that I work with that I really love. There's a mom who's about 34 with a teenage daughter and son and a younger daughter. They are a pretty easy family to work with...except for one thing...they believe that there are demons in their window. Now they brought this up to me almost a month ago and at first I was like "oh my God are they going crazy?!?!?" I really didn't know what to say or do but luckily a social worker at the shelter met with them a few times and told me he had taken care of it...at least that's what he said!
I met with them again today and they insisted the demons were still in the window and that I'd be able to see them. I HIGHLY doubted this but they desperately wanted me to see them so when I was leaving work today I agreed to come to their room and take a look.

People, I'm not very superstitious and don't really beleive in ghosts. I honestly try to believe angels/ghosts/etc but I just can't really. However, this family really wanted me to see their demons.
I mean shit we've already talked about what they look like, their moods, and how often they visit!
So I go in the room trying to will myself into seeing something...trying to convince myself this could be real...yeah that didn't happen. I was literally standing in the middle of my clients unit saying "yeah, oh, I see it", "mm hmm that's definiltey a head", "yeah I see that puppy, uhhuh"
I was the biggest liar in that room but I did not have the heart to tell them I saw NOTHING!
Another staff person, inappropriately, called them crazy and they were very hurt by this!
So this weekend I will be spending some time, no joke, looking up rituals that can be done to keep the demons calm and live in harmony with the family.

This is my job people, helping people live in harmony with their demons, literally and symbolicly.

Two in One

(NOTE** I wrote this blog on Tuesday but somehow it didn't get posted...so here it is a day late!)

Now that I was able to get thoughts off my chest I'm able to blog about the lighter, crazier events of my life :)

This weekend my mom came to see me which made me very happy! I always welcome visitors ;)
Mom aka "Boo", came in on Friday and left yesterday morning. We spent the weekend shopping and eating :) Friday we stayed around my apartment and went to a local Italian restaurant, named Fiore.

Saturday I woke up and in my still sleepy state pulled a muscle in my neck and swore I was gonna become paralyzed it hurt so bad!! I swear I could not turn my neck to the left even if my life depended on it! I took 4 Ibuprofen and it did nothing! And in my book you know you're hurt if Ibuprofen doesn't do anything for you! Ibuprofen and Benadryl are like my best friends and if they don't work..you and me both are in trouble!

After getting over my fear of being paralyzed we spent the day shopping for our still sparse apartment and eating again, then met Ali in the city to eat at Pastis, a french bistro.

We took the train into the city for dinner Saturday and I realized how good I have gotten with public transportation after using it with Boo, who of course never needs to use public transportation in Indiana!
While using the subway (which is different than the train), of course we saw the usual police officers harassing the drunk, homeless man peeing in the subway station.
I always think when I see these scenes it seems so inhumane. I can't imagine God really appreciates us yelling at another human being for needing warmth in the winter and staying in the only warm PUBLIC space that he can find. Yes God may not agree with the drinking and the peeing, but I think he'd look past it and agree he is entitled to a warm place.

Dinner at Pastis was very good and pretty much my first french food experience. Of course the menu was half french so I was guessing what a lot of things were, Boo and Ali were no help either! We all knew "Oui" and that was it! hahaha

Sunday we spent the day putting together all the things we bought on Saturday and eating some more. We did Indian and NY style pizza on Sunday.

It was a great weekend. Fun. Relaxing. And felt a little more like home having my mom with me.

Sunday night became a little crazy though because I didn't do any of my homework for Monday during the weekend. So Sunday I was rushing to get my statistics hw done and my cultural studies work done. I got most of my work done and got to bed around midnight to wake up again at about 4:45 to take Boo to the airport.

On a Monday Morning NY you never know when you'll hit traffic so we had to leave by 5:30. Luckily I got Boo to the airport by 6 and instead of going back home I had to go to Starbucks..the only place I could think of that would be open at 6am!...and finish up some remaining homework and then go to the lab at school at 7 to finish some hw using software that I'm too poor to buy and put on my own computer.

Finally at 8 I headed to work and was very unproductive at work. I really had one of those days where I thought...damn I'm a bad worker...I couldn't focus or get anything accomplished...now you may be thinking I wasn't a good worker today either because I blogged at work..but hey...you can only improve so much in day.

I also had to write a paper at work on Monday because brilliant me left it on my computer at home and didn't email it to myself. I didn't have time to go back home to get it before class, so I just sat and retyped it! It only had to be a page and luckily it was something I'm opinionated about so I rewrote it quickly!

I had to leave work at 4 on Monday and go to my classes which would get over at 9. I went to my first class and got out a little early so grabbed some much needed hot chocolate at the library...now you may be wondering why I'm bothering to tell you this...but there's a reason.

Obviously I was tired by the time I got to my second class that starts at 7pm, after being up since 4:30am!
Now I was sitting in my class, taking to classmates, waiting for it to start when another girl I know sat down behind me. As I turn around to talk to her, Sarah forgets that our desktops lift up...I blame the tiredness.... and I turn, causing my desk to lift, while simultaneously knocking my practically full, and very needed, hot chocolate ALL OVER the wall and floor. Thank God that I sat next to the wall today..which I normally don't do...or the person next to me would have been a very unhappy, chocolaty person!
The worst part was the people I was sitting around are in my other classes so we know each other and they all start turning around pointing out my spill to me!!!
Well DUH I know I spilled it!!! Hello! I have to go the whole class now without my hot chocolate, and wasted $3!!!
I hurried and went to the bathroom for a huge roll of paper towels and swear I went through half of it. After trying to clean it up I decided I would just leave it and get it after class...bad idea.
The chocolate got...hard, I guess you could say, and the only way to clean it up then was with water...which I was not about to go get!
So I did the best I could to clean it but definitely left a brown mess for the maintenance men...oops!

My day was over though thank the lord and I could go home! I got home and didn't even eat dinner! I just sat mindlessly on the couch for like 30min watching TV, took a shower and passed out!
Now you know I'm tired if I don't care that I'm going to bed hungry!!!!

I'm being bad....

and blogging at work! I can't help it though, Sometimes you've got stuff on your mind and just gotta blog ;) hahaha

So I have to admit I started writing yesterday and I never posted it because it just didn't feel write. It was a very negative, angry blog. Although I can be loud and talkative, I still don't always know how I want to express what I'm feeling. I'm a "thinker" and dwell often on my thoughts and feelings. Poetry as become one outlet for me to express myself, through writing and reading it.
This is a poem I saw today and wanted to share:

LISTEN

When I ask you to listen to me,
And you start giving advice,
You have not done what I asked.

When I ask you to listen to me,
And you begin to tell me why I shouldn’t feel that way,
You are trampling on my feelings.

When I ask you to listen to me,
And you feel you have to do something to solve my problem,
You have failed me, strange as that may seem.

Listen! All I asked was that you listen,
Not talk or do – just hear me.
Advice is cheap: 10 cents will get you both Dear Abby and Billy Graham in the same newspaper.
And I can do for myself; I’m not helpless.
Maybe discouraged and faltering, but not helpless.

When you do something for me that I can and need to do for myself,
You contribute to my fear and weakness.

But when you accept as a simple fact that I do feel what I feel,
No matter how irrational, then I can quit trying to convince you and get about the business of understanding what’s behind this irrational feeling.

And when that’s clear, the answers are obvious, and I don’t need advice.
Irrational feelings make sense when we understand what’s behind them.

Perhaps that’s why prayer works, sometimes, for some people –
Because God is mute, and He doesn’t give advice or try to fix things.
Prayers just listen and let you work it out for yourself.

So, please listen and just hear me. And if you want to talk, wait a minute for your turn,
And I’ll listen to you.

- Anonymous

I love this poem. I often feel unheard, partially due to my own fault of poor explaining, however I think everyone, including myself needs to remember the gift of listening.
I can related to this poem for many many reasons, but one of those many is the fact that most people I know and love are not able to understand the stress and strain of living in a large city because they never have! I think people notice changes in me and I feel criticized when these changes are mentioned, but at the fault of them and me, the reasons for the changes have not been explained.

I am a naturally very passive and easy going person, but I cannot be my natural self at all times in this city. If you want to be a passive and easy going person in a large city you must also be willing to be stepped on and treated very poorly at times.

I am no longer allowed to be always be my natural self now, passive and easy going. I am forced to be aggressive and very vocal and let's just say it, at times a bitch in this large city. Crowds bring out the worst in people and I live in one big crowd.

So one last thing, although it is not normally in my nature to be aggressive, remember this - It is never wrong to let you voice be heard, even if you haven't normally had this quality in the past; and you never know what your actions would be when assualted with aggression and rudeness on a daily basis, faced with the fact that you must fight against who you naturally are, so that you will not be disrepected and treated as a lesser.

Not the best of days..

So today was not my best day.
Today is my late day at work, so I go in around 10-10:30 and leave about 6. I decided to use this morning to get some of my stats homework done at school before I went into work. I have to use the computers at school because I don't have the software on my computer because it's sooo expensive.

So this morning I woke up late of course. I didnt' get out of the house until like 9:20! But I really wanted to get my hw done...so I decided to still go to school.

Now starts the list of things gone wrong today.
Number 1, I left my coffee on the counter at home. Now this sounds stupid but I have gotten to the point where I have to have coffee in the morning. I'm trying to safe money right now so I had to live without coffee, which annoyed me.
Number 2, it was raining today so traffic is ALWAYS bad when it's raining. So it took longer to get to school than normal, so this added to my lateness.
Number 3, Due to crappy weather more people drive to school and take up the "close" parking lot, so by the time I got to school it was full. I had to park in the parking lot that is about as far as you can get from the computer lab.
Number 4, I get to the computer lab and realize I don't have the information I need to do my homework! Biggest annoyance of the day by far. I was more than annoyed. I was pissed!! At this point it was also 10:20, which meant there was no way in hell I was going to be to work by 10:30 even.
Number 5, As I'm leaving the computer lab to bust my butt to work it begins to pour. Now when I say pour I mean it was like damn torrential rains! I was SOAKED. My hair looked like I had just gotten out of the shower by the time I got to my car.
Now of course because I'm running so insanely late already, I couldn't go back home and change. So I had to go to work complete soaked, hair, shoes, pants everything.
Number 6, I get to work at almost 11am, and what does that mean...I have to stay at work until 7pm! It gets dark here by about 4:30-5 now, so to stay at work until 7pm feels like it's 10pm at night!
This is not the way to start a day friends. My day at work was fairly uneventful thiank God considering my morning.
TGIF Friends, TGIF

GO OBAMA!

Hey all!

So I know not everyone that reads this will be thrilled with the turnout of yesterday's election but I am very excited! :)
I hope everyone voted yesterday! No matter what, it was an historic election that everyone should have been a part of!
It was super easy for me to vote...much easier than I thought it would be. I was in and out in 15 minutes. I had to do a paper ballot due to my address change being so close to election day but that's okay, I still got my vote in!

My week has been very interesting so far. On Monday I had to go meet with the head of the Sociology Dept, Dr Esposito, at school to discuss my plan for the remaining time of my masters. Going into the meeting I really thought that we would discuss my classes and how I could start some independent research. I thought that I would drop down to 2 classes a semester so that I would graduate in Spring 2010 and starting in the fall of 2009 I would start independent research.

Gosh if I had only known what Dr Esposito had in mind for me....

Dr Esposito pretty much told me that if I don't become more involved in the department I'm not going to get into the PhD programs that I want to apply to. Most of the schools that I am applying to are in the list of top 25 programs in the nation. They will be VERY hard to get into, so if I really want to get into one of them I have to do a lot more than I'm doing right now.
So pretty much what she told me I need to do is stop working, take a graduate assistantship starting in January working closely with a professor, in the fall of 2009 try to get a job doing research, retake my GREs, take a class to do better on my GREs, take a full course load (4 classes) and do everything I can to become fully immersed in the department. I won't be able to do independent research due to the fact that I don't have enough, well really any, experience doing research. She said I won't be approved by the department.
So pretty much I left the meeting realizing that I will have to make some major changes to get into a good program.
I didn't start this masters to just waste it. I started this masters, and I'm going into debt because of this masters, so that I can get into a good PhD program.
I have to do whatever it takes to get into a program.

So needless to say my life is going to change come January. I will become a full time student again. I will be working as an assistant to a professor and no longer working full time. I'll be finding a part time job to get by. I won't have to pay for school any longer because grad assistants get a tuition waiver. The loans that I would normally get to pay for classes I will be living on.

Although I'm nervous about having a new apartment and making the decision to stop working, I know this is what I need to do.

Okay time for tv and homemade hot chocolate :)

It may be illegal to drive while eating a donut.....

Hey All!

I'm sitting in my apartment finally feeling like it's starting to look like home!
As many of you know we have not had any furniture and it's been tough trying to see this apartment as home due to it being very empty. My boss gave us a great love seat this weekend that fits perfectly in our living room and along with a seat from my sister and Reena's brother our living room is usable now!!

I am also beginning to cook for the first time really. In Bloomington I never really took the time to cook and now I'm really excited and eager. I made chicken a la king tonight. It's a pretty easy meal (a gravy with chicken, green pepper and mushroom with chicken over mashed potatoes) but Reena said it was VERY good :) I was proud my first attempt came out well.

The end of my week was busy and eventful at work so it was nice to have a weekend to organize the apartment a little more and just spend some time here. This is the first Sunday I feel like I have fully spent here!

I can't even begin to tell you all the events from the end of my week...but here are a few events.

On Saturday I finally got my oil changed. I desperately needed to get this done, I just hadn't taken the time or wanted to pay for it. While I was trying to pay for my oil change, I could sense a group of people staring at me. Finally a little girl says to me "Are you on TV?". I just laughed in her face. It was probably not the right reaction but I was just kind of like "what"!?!?!". I realized it was a family standing there and the mother was like, "You look so familiar, we're trying to figure out who you look like". Then the guy behind the counter thinks he needs to chime in and says "yeah you do look like somebody on TV, I just don't know who". All I could think was, "Yeah you don't know who because I don't look like ANYONE on TV!!!" It was kinda sweet though...I think.

I also got pulled over today :) I went to Staten Island last night and when I was leaving to come back to Queens this morning I realized the bridge I take to get off Staten Island was closed for the NYC marathon. Now I can't really explain to anyone the route I had to take to get to Queens, because no one will understand what I mean, but just know that I had to drive through Manhattan. Now normally I would NOT drive though the city because it is hell most of the time, but on a Sunday morning it's perfectly fine, well in terms of NYC driving! :) So I'm driving through the city on 42nd St, listening to my cheesy folk music and eating a donut, when a cop comes running up to my car screaming "Ma'am pull over to the right, pull over to the right!". Now I'm sitting at a light as he's screaming this at me, so I knew I didn't run a red light and I wasn't speeding. I honestly thought he was going to maybe yell at me for eating my donut!! So I pull over, roll down my window and the cop says "Ma'am do you know that in the state of New York it's illegal to not wear a seat belt.". Now picture me with my jaw dropped and just staring at the cop like "Are you crazy". I had my seat belt on! I always drive with it on, however, I don't always have the top part of the seat belt across my chest because it cuts across my neck and really starts to annoy me. So after looking at the cop like he's crazy, I say "I do have it on! See!" and I pull at the seat belt across my waist. Luckily, he backs up and reluctantly says, okay your good to go. But as I pull away with my heart racing I put the top part over my chest and made a mental note that I'm going to have to buy one of those cushiony things that stubby people like me need. I was also relieved he didn't make a comment about my donut :)
Although I could give other stories from the last few days I better go to bed. Reena and I spent from about 10am-6pm today organizing, cleaning, grocery shopping etc and so I'm beat.

Night All
Love

Sarah

Hey All,
So I've had an insanely busy last couple days and I'm finally getting a chance to breath tonight.

Over the weekend I went to see Rach in upstate. It was nice to get away from the madness of the city and just relax. We originally had plans to go to Canada on Saturday but due to our own tiredness and rainy weather we decided to postpone Canada.
On Saturday we ended up getting some laundry done and buying groceries and that's it! Hhahaha Honestly though it was great to just get some things done and hang out at the house. Sunday we visited the Burrville Cider Mill and had an early dinner with a few of the other army wives that Rach is friends with. It was a relaxing but short weekend.
I didn't take as many pictures as I would have liked while there but here are a few recent pics of Sophie and Issac!






After my relaxing weekend I came back to the city to a very stressful Monday. I got back to Queens at about 11:00pm. By the time I got all my stuff in the apartment and took a quick shower it was 11:30. I had a short convo with Ali, stayed up and chatted (why does that not sound right??) with Reena for a while and finally went to bed around midnight.
I had to be up by 6:45 to get my butt to work at 8...and of course I was 15 minutes late. Work was insane because I was the only case manager there out of 4!!! So everyone's clients came to me because their cm wasn't there!!! Then I had to rush from work to get to class at 4:40, of course late again, and had 2 classes until 8:50. At my second class, statistics, I got good and bad news. The good news was that I got a 92% on my statistics test...the bad news, in one of my other classes, contemporary theory, I found out a paper that I thought needed to be 3-4 pages actually needs to be 10-15 pages!! AHHHH
I'm beyond annoyed with my theory class. To attempt be as PC as possible, lets just say my professor's teaching style does not work well for me :). Theory is the hardest course you can take in any subject because it's the foundation of any subject and to have a teacher who's "teaching style" doesn't work well with you makes it VERY difficult. I ranted to my mom's voicemail last night about this 10page paper discovery so I'll save you all from a long spew about this :)

Today, Tuesday, wasn't such a bad day because thank the lord, all case managers were at work today. It was a very cold, rainy day though and I'm not looking forward to the short days that come with winter. I'm going to miss the beautiful colors of fall but I guess I would't appreciate fall so much if I didn't have the winter.

I better go and make some dinner. I'm excited to finally have some control over my dinners and to get some good ol' Amurican food ;)

Love
Sarah

I'm BACK!!!

Hello my very loved friends and fam,

I know...don't say it...it's been about 2 months. I know I've been absent but the past 2 months have been filled with pain, challenge and growth.

I assumed when I began this blog that it would be a way for me to express my thoughts and feelings, however in the last 2 months the idea of putting my experience out there for all the world to read and know what a bit too overwhelming. I know this blog will only cause even more curiosity, and all I can say is over time you will receive enough pieces of the story to eventually fully understand. I have one gift that I request right now - TIME. Time to process my experience and develop strength from it. Time to reveal my story when I feel its best suited, not just for the sake of your curiosity.

God gives us all challenges in life. God chooses different points in our lives to experience growth spurts, and he has chosen this time for me. God has things he wants me to learn that will enable me to live me best life. The image I have of myself is not what God wants. My self image needs some work, and God has chosen now to do some work.

I know my decisions my not make sense or be at the pace that some of you may want them. I know all of the concern and questions come from love.

I'm glad I've gotten back to a point where I feel I can begin sharing again...so stayed tuned :)

I'm heading to my sister's this weekend in upstate NY and I plan to update you all on Sunday.

I love you all and thanks for your support!

Sarah

It's been a while

Hey all,
So I know it's been a good week without an update but it's been one of my busiest weeks in a long time!! This last weekend me and Ali went home to Indiana for just a couple of days. This weekend was the blueberry festival in Plymouth, one of my favorite festivals EVER. Believe it or not I didn't take any pictures though! I tried to take a few at one point but my camera wasn't cooperating and the pictures were horrible.
When I can back to NY I flew Tuesday morning at 6am and got to work at 10....and worked the whole day! Ali actually stayed in Indiana for a few extra days and I just picked him up from the airport last night.
Thank goodness today is Friday too because although this week was only 4 days it was absolute madness and needed to end. Every day something chaotic had to happen and today topped it all off for me. This is the first day I was actually in a bad mood while at work. From the minutes I got to work til the minute I left I was being bombarded with things to do and many of them were unplanned.
Due to the amount of business of this week there's wayyyy to much that happened to share it all...so my goal is to get back to doing it practically every day to keep you all posted. Right now I'm actually getting sick due to streep throat going through my facility :( Towards the end of my day my throat really started to hurt and it's only gotten worse...so I'm praying that being home this weekend and out of the facility away from the sickness might help me fight it off and it won't get full blown!! So I'm actually heading to bed all...I don't have any energy :(
Love
Sar

Whew...

Hey Everybody,
So I know I've been slow posting this week but the last two days have been crazy!!
Tuesday was a much slower day at work than Monday..thanks goodness! BUT yesterday and today have been complete madness.

Yesterday I worked a full 8 hr day and then had my first night of classes from 4:40-10:00! What a day!! It was nice to get back to classes though because honestly it's the most stimulating thing for me. I love my classes and I love that they're all about what I'm interested. My first class from 4:40-6:40 is cultural studies...it's going to be difficult because my professor sometimes talks over our heads but she's very nice and an interesting person. After culture studies I have stats until 10:00. I'm not too nervous about this class. I have a young male professor that is very laid back and has the attitude of "come to class, do your work, and I'll do my best to give you a good grade".

Today I did the same routine. I worked all day until 6:30 and went to class from 7-9. This class is social theory. This is the class I'm most worried about. I had this professor over the summer and his teaching style is not my preferred. He tends to go on tangents and is VERY opinionated! Now don't get me wrong, a lot of sociologists are but man...I can't even explain his level of opinionatedness! HA!

Work has been going well. I'm overwhelmed at times but I'm still liking my job. I haven't had any clients completely chew me out which I was warned would happen...I think this is because I'm not nearly as blunt or unfriendly as some. I meet with I think a totally of 10 clients today and I only have 20 active clients. I technically have 28 clients but I don't work with some of them because of their status in the shelter right now. I will tell you one frustrating thing about my job is the parenting!!! AHHH I don't have kids so I won't pretend to know anything about parenting but man...I gotta think I know more than some of these people. I had one family in my office today and one of the kids, Jameer who's 3, was being horrible. I believe he has some kind of developmental delayed because he doesn't talk much and doesn't ask 3 but he is a TERROR! He was tearing things off my walls, throwing things, having tantrums...the whole nine yards! The worst part is it's not like the mom (well technically she's grandma) wasn't trying to stop it, she just wasn't effective. At one point I just stared at the boy with the most stern face I could to try to scare him into behaving...it had little effect people! A lot of my parents don't know how to be parents though and it's sad...I can see already these children will have problems in life...it's inevitable with their upbringing....

Sorry I don't think I can write much more of an update! I'm so tired and I have to get up at 5:30 tomorrow! I have to get to work early because I'm leaving tomorrow to fly HOME!!!
I'm so excited and I know I'll have tons of pictures and things to say after this weekend!!
Love
Sar

What a Day....

Well today was my first official day of meeting with clients. I thought that my two weeks of training had me feeling pretty good about meeting with clients...ya totally not true. I was so overwhelmed today it wasn't even funny. I only meet with a handful of clients and my head was spinning. Partially because I have to remember so many things for just one client!! I don't even know how to begin to explain why it is so overwhelming.
The first client that I saw is pregnant and also has a 3yr old son. When she has her second baby she has no where for her 3yr old to stay...so her only option is Respite Care. I still know very little about this organization but in a nutshell they take care of people for short periods of time when there's no one else too. SO I had to assist her as she contacted Respite and discussed all the options with her. I then had to do my first service plan with her and of course I couldn't remember how to do it on the computer. I then just did it on paper and pretended my computer wasn't working so that she would know that I just didn't know what I was doing.
I'm very sensitive to my clients knowing how little I really know! Mainly because if I establish early on with them that I don't know what's going on they can use that to their advantage or continue to think I don't know anything after I do learn everything...
I also had to remember to get paperwork from this woman, make copies of it and get it back to her.

I said "hello (name) to my second client and she looked at me and said "how do you know me?!?!" looking very paranoid and uneasy. I explained to her that I have seen her around and read information about her...I could tell right off the bat she's not mentally stable. This woman is new to the shelter and very overwhelmed. She has 4 children and absolutely nothing. She doesn't understand anything about Public Assistance, Public Housing...nothing! I explained basics to her but didn't even begin to tell her everything that I needed to. I had to refer her to counseling services because she came across so fragile. I also had to address that all of her children are sick, there are rats in her room, she doesn't have an open public assistance case, and I had to gather numerous other resources for her. I then had to do photocopying etc for her as well.

My 3rd client came to me and wanted information about employment. I am still very much in the learning stages about all the employment options so I had to fudge a lot with this. I went through what I knew but it was frustrating that I had to tell her so many times "I'll get back to you". After she left I then had to continue to talk to different people and gather resources for her...I told her I'd have all of it in her mailbox by 5 today and that didn't happen.

Next I had a woman come in that again didn't have a clue what was going on and felt very lost. She has a teenage daughter with her and two younger children.
One thing I should explain first is that when clients come to the shelter they are either deemed "conditional" or "eligible". I won't go deep into this but conditional clients come here from New York's housing authority and New York hasn't actually decided if they are really homeless. The client gives the housing authority information and they have to check it all out before they decide the person really has no where to go, or that they do actually have somewhere they could be staying. Eligible means they don't have anywhere to stay and they are allowed to stay at the shelter. If they come to the shelter conditional and the housing authority decides they do have somewhere they could stay they are immediately take from the shelter...kind of a crazy system.
So anyways....this woman didn't understand whether she was conditional or eligible. I have no way of knowing either and have to call certain people to find out. Well I call those certain people and they tell me "yes, she is eligible", so I go through tons of information with her explaining the system at the shelter ya da ya da ya da...then I go downstairs and tell the front desk that she doesn't have everything she needs since she is eligible and they said...opps there was a mistake she is not eligible, she's still conditional! I didn't have the energy to track down this woman and tell her everything I just told her, she doesn't actually get yet...so i left this alone and will deal with it tomorrow.

Another client I have dealt with quite a bit is Russian and the HARDEST person to understand. I only talk to her on the phone because she works when I am at the office. I spoke to this woman for god knows how long trying to explain issues she is having currently and I seem to be unsuccessful. It has been suggested to me to use an interpreter but I don't even want to tell you the effort it will take to get one....

I also meet with another woman today that doesn't have enough motivation and I am very cautious with her because I think she's sneaky. I sat with her for at least a half hour hearing about a job that she was going to refuse to work because they wanted her to work weekends and she has kids and no one can watch them on the weekends....

I also had staff come and tell me I had a new client come in today with NO clothes (she came from the hospital and had sheets on) and she needed food. This woman literally has nothing. She is pregnant and due any day now. SHe was staying with her mother who was abusing her so she was sent to use with absolutely nothing. So then i'm running around trying to figure out how to get this girl some food....

Did I mention that all of this happened between 1pm and 5pm today! Normally I'll see more than just this number of clients...and I have tons of paperwork I have to do on top of all of this!
Now I realize no one may really care what I did all day today but it helped me de-stress a little to write about all the craziness of the day and all the things I have to remember to do tomorrow!!

This week is going to feel psychotic anyways. I normally would have class tonight and Thursday. St John's decided they don't want to start classes until Wednesday though, so I have to have my MONDAY classes on WEDNESDAY and then I still have my Thursday classes. And keep in mind I'm flying out straight after work on Friday to go home, man the madness...

Okay, I'm going to go sit and do nothing for a minute...and then go to the gym and work out some of the stress!!
Sar

Summer Days

Hey All,
So I know it's been a while since I posted but my life has been pretty slow. I worked all week and it hasn't gotten too eventful yet because I don't officially start seeing my clients until tomorrow! I got a little taste of working with clients though because some of them couldn't wait until Monday!

I did get a phone call from my sister this week though telling me she had a fire in her house!! Don't worry everyone and everything is fine!! She called me while I was at work though, so I was curious what was going on. She said it was a long story but I told her she had to tell me anyways :) She then told me there was a fire in the house! I knew no one was hurt because she was too calm but I was worried about damage! Luckily she said she didn't have any permanent damage...just a smoke filled house...so how did this fire start you may be thinking :) Well my sister went out to do errands and had a casserole dish sitting on her stove. The dogs were left out of their crates (which has become the norm lately) and the lovely beagle, Howie, tried to jump on the stove to get the dish and turned on the stove!
When Rach got home she heard a high pitched noise but didn't realize what it was until she practically got in her house and realized it was her smoke alarm! Rach opened the door and her house was FILLED with smoke. Luckily the "fire" was pretty much contained to the container on the stove but because the lid on the dish was plastic it smoked horribly! To make a long story short Rach called the fire dept, got the dogs out (who are ok!) and had to stay in a hotel for a day while her house was cleaned top to bottom to get the smoke out of her house and all her things. She's even had to get all new food. Luckily her home owner's insurance is good and covered the cleaning after a deductible. So this was a big scare and lesson to everyone to be careful with pets or kids that could cause these accidents!

I also bought my plane ticket for my trip home over labor day weekend! It's going to be the shortest trip ever (3 days) but I'm so excited to get home and go to the blueberry festival;) However getting plane tickets was sooo stressful! My ticket was easy. I decided to fly becuase I had no other option. I wanted to take a train back but because I'm such a procrastinator it was sold out!! So then I looked at bus tickets and they were $300!!!! I told Ali this and he was like "I just saw plane tickets for the price!". So I decided to fly even though I get extremely frustrated flying. Like I said though...my tickets was pretty easy to find and cost $319. Then we had to try to get Ali a ticket...this was interesting. We are flying seperate because I'm flying late friday and back tues morning and he's flying sat night and leaving thurs evening. He couldn't get Saturday off of work, which was annoying but what can you do. Ali actually had a voucher from Continental from a previous flight when he agreed to switch flights because they overbooked. To make it easy we decided to just call Continential. Big mistake...but we don't learn this til later. So we call them and we get a guy and explain we need a ticket from NYC to South Bend on Saturday the 30th and back on Thurs Sept 4th. So the guy says he has a ticket for Saturday night to Thursday for NY to South Bend. Great. We buy it. He tells use he'll get an email confirmation within a few hours and if he doesn't to call Continential back the next day. Well Ali never got the confirmation so we called Continental back the next day to tell them. I call them first just to fix the email ( I'm better at being nice and patient on the phone ;) and think I hear something about Indianapolis. So after I fix the email I tell the man I also need to confirm the flight is from NY to South Bend and just my luck, he says "why no ma'am, it's to and from Indianapolis". Grrrrrrrr I don't even have the energy to re-explain the next 2 1/2 hours on the phone!!! That's right people 2 1/2 hours! But they agreed to waive the change fee and charged us and extra $100 for a differently flight home...coming in he's still coming in to Indianapolis late Saturday night and I have to go pick him up :( Not real excited about this people. Luckily on Thursday he's flying out of South Bend into NY though. Let me just say flying is no longer convenient or priced for the average American so my goal is to begin flying as little as possible. I will be taking a train home for Thanksgiving and Christmas FYI!

On Thursday we had a staff appreciation day so I didn't have to go to work! Instead we had a bbq at an outdoor restaurant in the city. I actually enjoyed it. The weather was great and I've gotten to know my co-workers well enough that I felt comfortable spending a few hours with them! We sat around and ate and they had a few things for us to do like dancing, face painting, and henna. I got the henna because I've always wanted to try it and it was free. Here's a picture of mine! It's faded a little bit but you can still see it!















This weekend was my first weekend not working and being home! It was so nice and relaxing I NEVER want to have a job that is on the weekends ever again! I can't even begin to describe how much it helped me relax! Saturday I did errands and hung out with Reena again. We did a little shopping and had dinner at an Italian restaurant. Today I did more shopping with Ali...gosh it sounds like I'm shopping a lot! Today we got groceries though...and I didn't pay :). It just feels nice to have a schedule...next week I start classes again so my life will become a little crazier...so a weekend of laziness is a good thing.
Love
Sar

Decisions, Decisions

I don't like decisions I have finally decided :)

I'm at work right now...so this is a bit of a no no...but I use this blog to vent and get my thoughts out and I'm feeling a need to do that at the moment. So I haven't really written about a decision I have had to make over this weekend yet because I didn't really feel like solidifying my decision.

Last Thursday I was given an offer from St. John's to take a graduate assistant position in the sociology dept. It is a part time positions and your tuition is waivered. I would be working with a professor assisting them with whatever they want assistance with:) HOWEVER...you don't get paid and you aren't allowed to work while you are a graduate assistant! No pay can be difficult when you have bills and have a goal of getting your own apartment! My goal is to eventually get myself out of social services and into the academic world and so this was such a frustrating decision to make.

Do I chose the GA position that takes me closer to my goal of academia, while paying for my tuition, but then using my loans to live on....

OR do I keep my full time social work position, that wille eventually get difficult, (all social work positions do), but I will have money to get my own apartment, pay my bils, won't go into deeper debt etc etc

Well today I was forced to verbalize my decision and called the head of the sociology dept and told her I could not take the position. This was such a hard phone call for me...I got off the phone and felt like crying...one because I am just such an emotional person and its very easy for me to cry :) two because I hate being an adult. I don't like the difficult decisions that come with adulthood and the things you are forced to consider when making your decisions. Decisions are no longer based on simply what you want...

When you're young you're decisions are really not that big or life altering, you think they are...but they really aren't. Whether or not to date Billy Bob or not to date Billy Bob....should I work at Gap or should I work at Old Navy...prom or no prom, really people, these aren't life altering.

I'm an adult though, and I realize this more and more when I have to base decisions on money, location, benefits, loans etc etc.

I am extremely sad that I couldn't take this position. Now I know this decision wouldn't classify as life altering...but one can't help but wonder if I'm letting my break into academia be postponed due to this decision...I guess I'll never really know...I can only have a positive attitude and hope that I will get another opportunity and be in a financial place where I can take it.