Opps...has it really been that long?!?!?

So I think I just forgot for a while that I have a blog!! It's not that I haven't had time over the last month...it really is that I've just been forgetting to blog!

I've even been doing blog-worthy things!!

To give everyone a little recap, I started by graduate assistanceship (GA) at St Johns and have officially left my job. My GA has been a little disapppointing though. I have been assigned to 3 professors, which initially sounds great, right!?!? Well the reason I was assigned to 3 is because none of them really need me. One of them has given me 2 VERY easy things to do so far.
So I'm sad that it hasn't turned into something more useful, although it has given me lots of time to study and will still look good for graduate school.

This last weekend I spent upstate with Rach because Isaac has been sick and just wanted to help Rach out with the kids.
I am actaully attaching a few pics I took while I was up there too! I figure I gotta do somethings special since It's been wayyy to long since I've been to blogville!!


This is a picture of lovely Howie sitting on top of the couch. No one really loves Howie anymore so I plan to "adopt" him once I live where I can have a dog!













This is a picture of me babysitting Sophie. This is when she refused to put her pants back on after being changed and locking me out of the living room!














This is how I babysit...just kidding ;)













Here's the little man!












Opps I almost forgot Huey!!




Sadly I don't have any of me, Rach, or Jas!

In about two weeks I will though cuz I'm headin' back upstate for the little man's b-day!!

Confrontation

So I don't like confrontation.

I like confrontation so little that I couldn't even remember how to spell it and had to look it up to put it in this blog!! No joke!!

This is my last week at my job. I am leaving to become a graduate assistant to a professor at St. John's. This will be soooo helpful when it comes to applying to PhD programs but it has been very awkward and uncomfortable leaving my job...especially due to all the confrontational conversations I've been forced into (or just avoided lately) with my co-workers, superiors or clients.

I'm also not good at good byes. I hate saying good bye. I think this is somewhat normal but still it's not healthy.

Due to my hate of confrontation and dreading of good byes I avoid a lot of people, conversations and topics. I'm just starting to realize how bad this is for myself.
I realize how much stress and anxiety this adds to my life. Instead of addressing something and putting an end to it, I let it fester and continue to eat me. For example, I have not discussed my leaving with the program director at the shelter I work at. Now of course I told the supervisor right above me and she told him, however I have not gone to him and had a conversation about this. Now why one might ask, have I not gone to him. Mainly because I don't feel I connect with him in any way, shape or form and I think he'll make the conversation uncomfortable for me. So, instead of just getting the conversation over with, I have avoided him to the point that my supervisor has told me I must meet with him tomorrow. I've also avoided co-workers that I know are going to give me a hard time for leaving or the clients I work with that are going to go ape shit on me when I tell them. I avoid. Way. Too. Much.

Another of my New Years resolutions is definitely going to be to stop avoiding confrontation and instead push myself into it.

I hurt myself more than anyone else by my avoiding behavior. And I know my avoiding behavior confuses others. How could it not be confusing for people when I avoid them or a situation and they don't know why.


PS My sister came to the city this past weekend and it was so fun!!! However because I'm waiting for pictures to get put on a CD so I can upload them to my computer, I'm going to wait to tell you all about it til the pics are ready!!!

Namaste! Aap kaise hain?

That's Hindi!
It means Hi, How are you? Now besides that I can say "accha" - which means yes however it can mean more than just a general yes, it can also mean: good, oh, really?!?!, ah I see...etc etc...so I still get confused when I use it how someone knows what I'm trying to say exactly! hahahaha
I can also say:
no - nahi
cheese - paneer
spinach - mutter
lentils - dal
ok - thik hai
potato - aaloo

That's all I've got hahahaa!! I know that knowing how to say cheese, spinach, lentils and potato aren't the most useful words but I'm workin' on it!

Have I really gotten this bad?!?!?!

Wow has it really been this long since I've blogged!!!

One of my New Year's resolutions is to improve my blog! One way I'm going to 'improve" it is by doing shorter blogs. Now I know what some of you are thinking...how is that a good thing?!?!? Well so that I will be a more successful and frequent blogger the blogs need to be a smidge shorter....the pressure to write a book every time is just to great...and it makes me blog less...so shorter (but hopefully just as good of blogs) are on the way :)!

In the spirit of New Year's resolutions here a few of my other goals for the year...and yes some are cliche and so unoriginal :)

1. Do a better job staying in touch with distant friends
2. Lose weight and become healthier (this is one of those unoriginal goals :)
3. Plan a vacation overseas (thinkin' India kids)
4. Read at least 6 books this year
5. Organize the gazillion pictures I have sitting in a box under my bed
6. Try to get closer with Ali's mom
7. Become more organized (I think I'd be a little more relaxed if I didn't have hidden messes and used a calender more!)
8. Take pictures (this is something I want to add to my blog a lot more!!)
9. Re-take my GRE's and do well! :)
10. Take a writing course (this is more for grad school than a deep desire to improve myself!)
11. Begin to learn Hindi (Rosetta Stone should totally be cheaper though man!!)
12. Apply to graduate school
13. Make a list of all the sites I want to see in New York City and see them :)

Not a bad list right?!?!

Ok now to keep with my goal :) this is it for tonight friends! I'll be back tomorrow with another short but wonderful blog!

Support Systems

I know it's been a while! I've been so busy trying to get done with finals and I finished this last Monday! Hallelujah!!

And here I am blogging again at work. :)
However I just met one of my new clients and it was one of the hardest meetings I've ever had with a client.

I had to hold back the tears. I wanted to so desperately give her a hug and tell her everything would be okay but that can't be my role. I have to save that role for her mother or sister. I am her advocate, not her friend.

CD was living in her own apartment making about $4,000 a month working at the same job for the past 11 years. Which by NYC standards is not a lot but you can definitely make it work. She lost her job this last April and hasn't been able to get back on her feet. She was staying with her mother up until recently but her mother's apartment is very small and just couldn't fit CD and her 5 kids. People were sleeping on the floor and it was not a good long term solution. Without having other family members with the means to support her, her only option was to enter the homeless system.

What really struck me was that this could be someone I know. We sat here and spoke just as though we were two people that meet walking down the street. I don't typically have those types of conversations with my clients. With most of my clients there is too much of a cultural gap for us to have that type of connection.

What also touched me was that she reminded me of someone I would meet at home in Indiana. She had such a nice demeanor and didn't have that rough, aggressive approach. She was just like a nice, approachable Hoosier. She actually reminded me of someone I worked with in Bloomington.

It was so hard to sit here and see a mother trying to hide her tears from her son as she tells me she about how she's gone from having everything to nothing in just a few months. And now she's at the hands of a very unpleasant woman at the Dept of Homeless Services (DHS) to determine whether or not she will be allowed to stay in the shelter system. Every family that goes to DHS and states they are homeless is investigated, and a case worker in the department gets the ultimate say...and it sounds at though CD happened to get a case manager that just doesn't care.

I've really been struggling a lot lately with my financial situation. I feel overwhelmed every time I think about the cost of living out here, my income and the student loans I'm racking up. I can't even begin to describe how much I worry about this.

But I feel like God needed me to meet CD today. I needed to be reminded I am ok. I have an apartment. I have the financial means to survive. And most importantly if everything fell apart and I had no money, I know have numerous family members and freinds I could turn to in a heartbeat. I would never be homeless. Not because I would never be financially broken, because anybody could, but I have the support system that would never allow me to be homeless.

As Americans, including myself, we always think that it's finances that cause homelessness, and yes it is a part, but another large part of homelessness is not having a strong support system either. Not having good relationships with family. Having family but having family that's so financially stapped and strained they can't support one more person.

I am blessed. I am so blessed. Not because of my financial status, since that can always be taken from me, but from what I will never lose - my friends and family. I realized today I have much more security than I thought.

God gave me a new perspective today.

Randomness

Yes I am sitting at work blogging. I can't help it. I have no motivation for work and my computer is sitting right here in front of me, calling me to do something I shouldn't be doing. I just need to get it out of my system and then I'll be able to work...hopefully :)

It's funny I don't even have anything super important to share....I just feel like sharing, so here are some random tidbits...

I have made a decision recently that I am very excited about...I'm getting a bunny!!!
I can't get a dog right now because they aren't allowed in my apartment and they are a lot of work in the beginning with training etc, so I've decided I want a bunny. I desperately want something cuddly to take care and a rabbit is perfect. I have made it clear to Ali I want a bunny and I"m hoping maybe he'll get it for me for Christmas...otherwise it will still be about 2 months until I can save enough extra money for the cage and everything the bunny needs. Sad it would take that long isn't it!

Also I've been thinking about bangs...I would like opinions...who thinks I'd look good with bangs? I've been straightening my hair, but even with some curl they might be okay..right?!?!

I am also going to start making my own jewelry!!!!! I'm so pumped (Gosh remember when that word used to be cooler :) I got the idea while shopping with my mom after Thanksgiving. So much jewelry is way over priced and not that hard to make. I"m going to go into Manahattan in the next couple weeks and go to a beads store to try to buy everything I need to get started. I'm just hoping things won't be outrageously expensive, otherwise I may wait until I'm home for Christmas and buy it all in Indiana!

Also here is a little quiz that I found on a friends blog and thought was fun :)

Sitting: In my office at my messy desk.
Smelling: My own perfume..there's still a small hint of it :)
Listening: to the traffic outside my office window and the kids talking in the hallway.
Drinking: nothing but really wishing I had some coffee. I gave it up because coffee seems to always make me sick...but I'm thinking of splurging and getting some on my way to my 7pm class! Hey you gotta stay awake some how!
Reading: The Commercialization fo Intimate Life by Arlie Hochschild. Great Sociologist. Great book. Read it.
Loving: That I get to go back to Indiana in less than 3 weeks.
Dreading Writing 2 more looonnngg papers and taking a stats test in the next 2 weeks.
Eagerly: Waiting for it to be 6:34 so that I can clock out of work!
Worrying: About all the loans I'm racking up.
Wishing: I'd get to see some snow soon.
Praying: My stress level will decrease after December 18th when I turn in my last paper for school.
Grateful: I can take off my uncomfortable work pants soon! hahaha
Sharing: my thoughts ;)

Ok all...back to work :)

Insanity

So I have been trying to get a blog up for about the last week and a half, it's just been so hectic I really haven't had time to sit and write...although a lot has been going on!

This last weekend I of course went home for Thanksgiving. It was a much needed break from school, work, and New York in general. I've decided though that going home is hard though. I train myself out here in New York. I prepare myself to be tough and aggressive, to deal with the traffic, everything that's overpriced, the fast pace, the rough and rude people...everything...I prepare myself for it all...and then I go home. When I go home all this preparation disappears. Everything is easy and CALM again. I don't feel stress and anxiety. I feel comfortable and like everything will be okay. I don't feel like I have to anticipate anything. I don't have to prepare, due to the anticipation of a rude person, or a traffic jam, or a cost I can't afford. There's no extra preparations in Indiana...I just live.

Then I come back to New York and I experience shock all over again and have to adjust again. Once I'm in New York for a little while I can get myself used to everything (or at least numb myself to it) and feel like I get myself trained enough to deal...and then I go home and lose it all, then when I come back i'm a basket case for the next week. That's the stage I'm in right now.

Let me explain the difference with examples though my friends...

While I was home for Thanksgiving I spent all my time with family. On Wednesday I met my best friend and we had dinner and a movie...there was no need to rush. We were able to get to the movie when it started, no problems, no worries about traffic being bad or a long line.
Thanksgiving I spent at my grandparents house with my dad's side of the family. It was a great day, but very sad. I feel a lot of guilt being so far from my grandparents right now. My grandpa is not in good health and it scares me. I am scared to my core that something will happen before I can move back home. I have learned my lesson in appreciating your family while you have them near you. I regret more than anything that I did not visit my grandparents more often when I had the chance. This reason alone made it hard to come back to New York. I knwow that I have to finish school, but it was hard being home and picturing how great it would be to see my grandparents frequently and spend family nights together. It makes me breakdown just thinking about it. I can't help but feel I'm missing out on time with my family.

On Friday mom and I went shopping. Now neither me or mom does crowds, however this would be our only time to go Christmas shopping together...so it was then or never. Surprisingly it was fine though. It was better than a normal day of shopping in New York!!! Now that says something!!! Everyone was soooo friendly too. I was in shock all day that all of the cashiers ands sales people were friendly and courteous. Our waitress was even friendly. So much to the point that it was annoying mom but I was soaking every ounce of it up my friends!!! Even the woman at Panera was great! At Panera they took a little extra time to make my tea and the woman making it apologized and brought me my tea personally!!!!!!! This DOES NOT happen in New York. Let me just tell you what would happen in New York. The woman in New York would take even longer to make it, she'd set it on the counter and be annoyed that I wasn't standing there to take it off her counter. Then if I didn't come get it fast enough she'd YELL a chai latte is ready :) This people, is the difference.

Saturday I spent another day with family, my mom's side. We went out to dinner and then went back to our house and played Catch Phrase. This is the funnest game!!
I have decided that I love games and I am going to force friends and family to play games any chance I can. I even had mom buy me dominos and Fact or Crap for me for Christmas. I also bought myself Phase 10 recently...another great one my friends.

Anyways after my wonderful time at home, full of calmness and relaxation, I had to head back to New York. When I left for home last Wednesday it only took me a little over 11 hours to get home...so I figured about 11 hours to get back to New York. This was my big mistake. I had already let me guard down and forgotten, you DON'T make that kind of assumption with a city like New York.

Anyways, I left Indiana at 7am and thought I'd be back to New York by no later than 6:30pm, which isn't a bad time. So I start my drive and got through Indiana and Ohio with no problems. Then I hit Pennsylvania. This is were the traffic begins! First I hit horrible traffic because the weather wasn't great and so cars were driving extra slow...so I drove at about 10mph for about 45mins to an hour. I got stuck twice in Pennsylvania with this bad traffic. This added on extra time right away. I then got to New Jersey and shockingly got thru NJ with no problems..this is a huge shocker since NJ can be just as bad as New York. Then I get to New York. Now at this point I've already tacked on about 2 extra hours. It's about 8pm. I'm exhausted from sitting in extra traffic and the stress of driving by myself in general. As I'm getting to New York the traffic becomes my worst nightmare. There are signs everywhere warning of 60-75 minutes delays just to get over bridges!!! This is a major traffic jam people. So for me to get all the way to my apartment would have taken AT LEAST another 2 hours! So I chose Staten Island instead. I decided I'd stay at Ali's just to get out of my car and be done with the drive. Even this option was not that great though. To get across the Outer Bridge took 45 minutes...this bridge is less than a mile long people! No matter what I was going to have to cross a bridge but believe it or not, Staten Island was the closest and shortest option.

Then my Monday started....
Monday I had to be to work by 7:45 because I have to leave early since I have class at 4:40. I got to work at 8:20.
I was also completely exhausted because although I didn't get to work on time my alarm was still going off starting at 6:15. Even my boss told me I looked out of it.

I instantly dealt with someone nasty at work as well. I had to call a social services agency and the woman I got on the phone will just be called Ms McNasty. Due to my already very tired, and not excited to be back in New York City self, I decided to hang up on Ms McNasty. May not have been the best idea but I couldn't do it. I couldn't go from the pleasantness of Indiana to the harshness of New York that quickly...I just couldn't brush it off and make that adjustment right away...my guard went down too much while I was in Indiana. So then I sat at work and cried for a while. I cried due to my insane level of homesickness and overwhelming desire to just pack up and go home, to forget school and everything else... Obviously I later had a more sane moment, knowing I had to finish school and not let a stupid city get the best of me...or let all the Ms McNasty's make me cry.

For my lunch hour at work I ended up going to school to complete my homework that I couldn't do earlier because I dont' have the computer software....so this means that I didn't get lunch.

I then got back to work and had to leave a few hours later to go back to school.
I went to school with no problems and came home but than had a realization.
I lost my passport.
I discovered this because I have some paperwork that I need to fill out for school and to provide identification I can show my passport as an option. So Monday night I'm looking for it and I can't find it anywhere! So it's 9pm at night. I'm hungry, exhausted, and experiencing a rudeness shock all over again and then I realize I've lost a very important piece of identification. I looked everywhere I could think of and decided it was a lost cause.
I just went to bed.

Thank God I woke up today feeling much more rested!! I felt a little more able to cope with this crazy city that I live it. I went to work and was able to get through the day with no craziness. I then get home and realize...hmmmm...I don't know where my camera is either. I become hysterical. I search the apartment for like 30minutes trying to now find my passport and camera. I call my sister, Ali, and my parents leaving them messages telling them there's a crisis...Sarah's lost her camera and passport. Ali is the only one that answers the phone. I cry to him for a while and decide that I need to just go take a hot shower and try to not think about this for a while. Before I get in I decide to take my inhalor...all this anxiety I can't freakin' breath. As I set my inhalor down I look at my purse sitting at my feet and notice a zipper on the back of my purse....and then I almost shit myself. I open the zipper pocket and there's my camera and passport. I had purposely put them there so that no one could see them in my very loose, often open purse.
Please tell me that somebody else has put things in a place you think no one else will find and then you yourself forgets that special place you put them?!??!?

What a day. What a week. I'm still glad I got to go home. I have to get these little tastes of home to ground myself and remember that life here is a rarity and most Americans do not live this way. If only New Yorker's would catch on......